I welcome Dr. Wendy Walsh back for a repeat of her awesome performance on Episode 15 when she talked about her area of expertise: Evolutionary psychology applied to modern love.

Dr. Wendy brings her “A” game again with an effortless and effusive dispensation of extremely memorable and life-changing insights about relationships, parenting, the future of humanity, and her provocative new podcast called Mating Matters on iHeart Radio. Check out the provocative descriptions of the early episodes!

We pick up where we left off at the last show, with the examination of modern mating dynamics, and Wendy describes the attributes necessary to nurture and sustain a healthy, happy, long-term love relationship. It’s a delicate balance between healthy autonomy and sustaining a strong connection. Wendy asserts that “too much autonomy means no intimacy. Too much union means fusion, and that’s not healthy either.” 

We transition into one of her most passionate subjects, parenting. Wendy points out that “parenting” wasn’t even a verb word until recent years! Wendy counters some of today’s boilerplate assumptions about parenting, observing that many parents are doing not enough instead of too much, and that raising your children should be a priority for that small 20-year window of time when you are on duty.  

Oh, if you are patting yourself on the back as a hugely devoted parent running around orchestrating a perfect life for your precious superstar kid, you may want to reflect on whether it’s really about the kid, or about your ego—living your dreams through your kid. Instead, Wendy advocates that you should tune into your child, learn who they really are and what makes them tick, and facilitate the pursuit of their goals and dreams. In light of our cultural concerns that today’s kids might become hapless drones of the digital age, Wendy observes that children are extremely smart and adaptable, and they are simply adapting and leveraging the necessary skills to survive in today’s world. And keep in mind that the older generations always think that things are in decline when looking at younger generations 

Wendy takes a segue to fawn over her celebrity crush, Elon Musk. You’ll realize why this dude comes to mind when you learn the recording location. Wendy says he’s definitely a genius; alas he might not be dateable material. Wendy is ever sharp, spicy and humorous, but we also get deep at times when she reflects on the future of humanity, on how to come from a position of gratitude in daily life, particularly how it relates to not sweating the small stuff in relationship (Check out Mia Moore show, episode #9 “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff” for more on this critical relationship attribute. Another relationship tip: If you treat your partner like the king or queen they deserve to be treated as, and consider them to be a king or queen in your mind, you will manifest this into reality. Human psychic energy is real, as proven by the work of Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief (e.g. walking into a conference room and sensing low energy, and arriving to a party and becoming enveloped in the positive energy.) Consider that your brain knows no difference between what is real and what is imagined, so envision an ideal relationship and true transformation is possible.  

We end with Wendy describing what’s in store for the Mating Matters show, enjoy this blurb: Hosted by psychologist and relationship guru, Dr. Wendy Walsh, Mating Matters explores the secret evolutionary motivation for virtually every human behavior. We are here to reproduce and behind everything is a desire to increase our mating opportunity. Season 1 looks at how concealed fertility has created the sexual double standard, why high testosterone men may be lousy husbands, why religions make rules around sex and how dating apps bio-hack your brain. 

TIMESTAMPS: 

Relationships are a conflict between autonomy and union. [00:08:01]  

Why doesn’t great sex last forever? [00:09:54]  

Why is it so difficult to give love? [00:12:08]  

Are they helicopter parents or narcissistic parents?  [00:16:02]  

To raise a successful kid, just stop and listen to them and let them grow up.[00:18:09]  

When we talk about intelligence, there are so many different kinds. [00:20:49]  

College admissions competition is a big problem. [00:22:24]  

We need to build strong social networks again. [00:24:11]  

Emotional self-stability is most important. [00:24:45]  

How can good communication solve these problems that cause conflict in the relationship?[00:28:32]  

Brad and Wendy talk about modern technology in cars. [00:31:25]  

We are all destined to finish the emotional work of our parents.  It gets injected into us.  [00:36:27]  

Our feelings shape our behavior. Our behavior impacts the environment. The environment feeds back our feelings.  [00:41:00]  

Can you look on the bright side too much? [00:45:31]  

If you ask the most successful people why they are successful, they will say because I failed so much. [00:50:51]  

Have enough self-confidence to ask for help. [00:55:08]  

Looking at the digital generation kids. Is their “addiction” to technology harming them? [00:56:35]  

What does it mean to be human?  What is the meaning of our life?  Where does love play into it? [01:01:16]  

What is in the future for Wendy? She is in the wisdom phase. [01:04:37]  

LINKS: 

Details about the initial episodes of Dr. Wendy’s new podcast, Mating Matters. Coming soon Feb 14th!

Follow Dr. Wendy Walsh on Facebook – very lively account!

Dr. Wendy Walsh GOY Podcast Episode #15

Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton 

LISTEN:

Download Episode MP3
Brad
00:01
Welcome to the get over yourself podcast. This is Brad Kearns. I cover health, fitness, peak performance, personal growth, relationships, happiness and longevity, so slow down. Take a deep breath, take a cold plunge and pursue your competitive goals in all areas of life with great intensity and passion, but release your attachment to the outcome and learn to have fun along the way. That’s the theme of this show. Here we go.
Wendy
00:34
People become a victim and their own head. It is the most dangerous place to be. When you put responsibility on somebody else for your happiness, you’re really setting yourself up for failure. Every generation changes and adapt to the environment and along the way human being searched for meaning, the search for meaning for their own personal existence. They searched for it in the spiritual realm, in religion, in science. Everybody spends their mental energy saying, what is this for?
Brad
03:28
Welcome to another awesome show with Dr Wendy Walsh, America’s relationship expert, 2017 Time magazine cover Woman of the Year for her role in the #metoo Movement. Calling out the sexual harassment environment at Fox News. What a powerhouse. We had the most incredible first show where I was able to learn her into my childhood bedroom for the recording. Unlike Bill O’reilly who was unable to lure her back to his hotel suite, and that was the beginning of his downfall when Wendy told her story a short time later why she wasn’t on Fox News anymore. Oh my gosh, and we have all kinds of opportunity for more playful banter relating to the location of our second recording and I feel fortunate. I hope you do too, to be able to catch her during her busy life running around as supermom and high powered peak performer and she talks about some of her peak performance attributes and strategies I think you’re going to love, but we go quickly and hit it hard and cover an assortment of interesting topics, especially picking up where we left off at the last show, talking about important attributes for a healthy long term loving relationship and we also talk about parenting strategies and observations and how to counter some of the impure and disturbing influences of modern culture that are messing with the parent child relationship.
Brad
05:01
She hits it hard. She’s provocative. She gave me so many memorable insights and quotes. Oh my gosh, what she said about helicopter parents thinking that it’s all about the kid, but it’s really all about them and their ego. That one blew me away. I’ll never forget that. Then as we near the end, we segue into some profound philosophical insights about the future of humanity, something for everyone in this recording and then she gives a very interesting plug for her new podcast called Mating Matters available on Iheart radio and listen to this hosted by a psychologist and Relationship Guru Dr Wendy Walsh. Mating Matters explores the secret evolutionary motivation for virtually every human behavior. Billy Crystal made a similar observation in the movie when Harry met Sally with a little more crude language, but evolutionary motivation for virtually every human behavior. Can you see where this is going back to the plug?
We are here to reproduce and behind everything is a desire to increase our meeting opportunity. Season number one of the meeting matters podcast looks at how concealed fertility has created this sexual double standard and why high testosterone men may being lousy husbands. Why religions make rules around sex and how dating apps biohack your brain. It’s a beautiful show with high production value in quotes interspersed, so I guess here it goes, the unplugged, the Real Wendy Walsh version, only one microphone in use. We shared it very nicely. Maybe I should do that more often so I don’t interrupt the guest as much, but let’s hear from Wendy.
Brad
06:44
Those levels look very nice because Wendy Walsh, can you tell the listeners the location of our show?
Brad
06:51
Should we really admit where we are right now?
Brad
06:54
I think it’s a personality insight about you, how flexible and fun loving you are and agreeable and of course you had that free time in your busy schedule. So we are sitting at
Wendy
in the backseat of my car waiting for my daughter to get out of cheer practice
Brad
07:11
and that gives me to another punchline because in the first show we had the juxtaposition of a Bill O’reilly trying to get you into his hotel room and then I easily got you into my childhood bedroom and now we’re hanging out in the back of your car. So we’ve gone from bedroom to the back of the car and we’re just in a groove here.
Wendy
07:29
It’s just how you do podcasts. You do them on the fly, quick and dirty.
Brad
07:33
Welcome to the modern media folks. Yes, we got great feedback from the first show. A lot of hilarious emails and people liking your style. Very fast paced, fast moving, love the insights they’ve stuck in my head, which is very rare for listening to all the content and putting out so much, but the top three things that men are looking for in a partner in the top three things a female looking for. That was pretty fun information and so now I’m wondering, you’re in this match game. The dating game is flourishing. We have the internet and all that stuff and then people pair up and then what we see around us in the examples of our peer group and in our own personal lives is there seems to be a lot of unnecessary struggle and drama and challenges with two people. Just trying to enjoy a, in many cases, prosperous, healthy life, but not able to just take the smooth road.
Wendy
08:30
Well, I would argue with your word unnecessary because I think relationships are a gymnasium for our minds and if you don’t have some resistance, you’re not going to build some muscle and part of growing emotional intimacy and a bond is you know, relationships are one big compromise and you’re going to be tangling from time to time. Hopefully, you’re going to have good conflict resolution skills. You’re going to have good communication skills just like you would need to have good form in a gym or you’re going to pull a muscle, right? So in the same way with relationships, they are a struggle because they are a conflict between autonomy and union and too much autonomy means no intimacy. Too much union means fusion and nobody can remember whose problem is who and that’s not healthy either. And so relationships are filled with this conflict and then relationships vary in what their purpose is. Some people have relationships to raise kids, to build businesses, to simply share expenses, to have a great sex life, which they think will last forever. And so then they have to talk about the byproduct, what this relationship is producing, and both people need to have a voice and some input. Otherwise, somebody’s gonna feel left out.
Brad
09:54
Why won’t the great sex lasts forever?
Wendy
09:57
You really want an answer to that question is a scientific question. So, uh, lust evolved in us to bring people together, hopefully long enough to get pregnant and it is a cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones and neuro hormones, uh, like are my favorite one. Oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and it’s designed to be the best drug we have. But like any drug you take, your brain develops a tolerance for it and you may need more and more, or you mean more excitement or it’s more stimulation to try to create that same feeling again. And so good love relationships evolve from the last phase into a love phase into a respect and commitment phase. And the best relationships evolve even further into what I call mature companionate love, where it’s not like the sex goes away, but it’s not the primary thing. In other words, at the beginning of the relationship, it’s 90 percent sex, 10 percent love at the end of the relationship is 90 percent love, 10 percent sex and that’s good.
Brad
11:06
And Are you saying this from data, and this is actually kind of a proven over over decades that you’re talking about a healthy relationship obviously because there’s the 90 percent sex, 10 percent love and then they break up because they find out that the 10 percent isn’t too fun or whatever, but if you have a healthy relationship, that’s the trajectory you might be aspiring to let’s say
Wendy
11:29
Some people actually forget to fall in love. In other words, they stay in that last phase and then when their brain gets used to the hormones and neurotransmitters and it’s not feeling as good as they think. They’ve fallen out of love, but they forgot to fall in love because love is. Well. It’s an action word. It’s a verb. It’s a verb to give. And when you find somebody who you are willing to give, I always say all you have to give in a relationship is 60 percent. That’s it. But if you both give 60, you got 20 percent of love leftover to give to everybody else.
Brad
12:08
Why is that so difficult?
Wendy
12:10
Well, some of it is cultural. We live in modern American capitalism where for the last 60 years, a mobile workforce was needed to leave their families of origin to leave, uh, the complicated multigenerational relationships of friends and families and communities and villages.
Wendy
12:34
And what we’ve done is tried to make our primary love relationship, our entire village. We want our spouse to be, to stimulate us physically, to stimulate as emotionally to simulate us intellectually, to be there when we have problems to solve, when that work was done by a large group of human beings throughout all of our history of evolution. So that’s why it’s so hard. Our expectations are completely askew. We want it to be just everything when it doesn’t need to be. Um, and then the other thing is that we’re in a culture that preaches individual rights and freedoms, individual rights and freedoms. Love is nothing about individual rights and freedoms. Love is about compromise where two people can accomplish so much more together than they ever could as an individual. But to get into that headspace is very hard when from the beginning of life we go from warm to dorm room and in between were sent, you know, in cribs down the hall with monitors and told to cry it out and self soothe and be independent, be independent. And then we get our love relation and we’re saying, oh, you got to learn to be interdependent. And that’s hard.
Brad
13:51
You think it’s more difficult today because we have a, I can do better right away with my, uh, online, uh, tools. And so there’s always grass is greener is one of the symptoms of the culture. And also perhaps the, um, I don’t know, like the, the age of narcissism where the helicopter parents raise you to be the center of the universe. And then if your partner does so much as put you a little bit off to the center and you’re, you’re put out and you, you all of a sudden fall out of love. And all these conclusions occur,
Wendy
14:23
You know, it’s actually the opposite. So kids are really, really, really smart. And if parents protect them too much, praise them too much. Kids know they’re lying, right? And so actually kids grow up to feel less than because they know that the adults around them were lying. Like, I wasn’t that great at baseball. Why are you having a whole party for me afterwards? Right? And so in their love, they need to play that out. They need their lover to see them who they are and they believe they’re less than. So they have to mess up and have their partner be mad at them. And that’s honesty to them. I know it’s really complicated. So I don’t think. I also think, by the way, before we judge parents who worked so hard to protect and grow up kids back when parents were more handoffs handoff, when parenting wasn’t a verb, it was invented in the seventies.
Wendy
15:21
The word parenting as a verb, kids were mostly raised by siblings and they were raised by grandparents and they were raised by the neighborhood and they were raised by their cousins and parents said, come home when the streetlights come on, and that was pretty much it. They kept a roof over their head. They gave them some food, they told them there’s the school, go get educated. But in those times life was simpler. Life was safer for kids. Now to raise a kid with a parent, two parents who are working full time, no help of siblings or grandmother’s grandmother’s are off having martinis in Florida, uh, you know, it’s, ah, it’s, it’s, it’s hard for parents, so they have to give it their all and they’re all being whatever’s leftover after they have two careers.
Brad
16:06
Are you seeing a lot of trends where we can identify that this is the age of the helicopter parent and they’re overparenting or things like that?
Wendy
16:16
I actually think that kids are not being put first. What I see are parents in their own narcissistic adult lives and not making the necessary sacrifices for their kids. Listen, we’re on the planet for 80 years. If we’re lucky and healthy. We get to give 20 of them to our kids. Right? That’s it. And the other 60 go to those parties, find new partners, have fun, but why are you dragging your kids through all your romantic transgressions? Why are you dragging your kids while you’re trying to grow up and find yourself? Stop, grow up and be an adult for 20 years. That’s it.
Brad
16:53
I, I feel like I’m seeing some black and white here where I see, I, you can see it clearly identify that pattern where these parents are dropping their kids off and outsourcing all kinds of things and it used to drive me crazy. Like I was coaching soccer, I coached everything. I wasn’t gonna let another man get between me and my, my son with his sporting experience. So I had to be present all the time and running the show until high school. Then you’re supposed to give it over to the professionals, which is also highly recommended thing. But I saw like completely uninvolved parents that you know, didn’t care. And then a whole nother segment here of the parent that’s living and breathing through their kid and way overboard on every little thing, such as they’re writing their college essays for them and writing their scholarship applications and is screaming on the sideline instead of laying the coach do that kind of thing.
Wendy
17:48
Well, that’s actually not a helicopter parent in my mind. That’s a narcissistic parent who’s using their child as an extension of them and their ego.
Brad
17:55
That’s right. They’re not really putting their kid first. They. They would get into defensive mode if you accuse them of that, but they’re. They’re trying to live out their own dreams through their kid rather than say, what’s best for my kid? Wow, that’s a. that’s a twist on that one.
Wendy
18:08
You know how to create a successful kid. Just stop and watch them grow. Just stop and pay attention to what they say and believe what they say. Every kid comes out completely different. I have two. One daughter is a high achiever. Never in my life did I ever say, is your homework done? Because it was done. Plus all the extra credit work. And I, it was just done because she was self-motivated. That’s who she is. The other kid, she’s got some learning disabilities and invisible disabilities. She’s painfully shy. She has super high visual intelligence. She’s a great athlete. She’s going to go to fashion design school or somewhere. She’s uh, she’s brilliant. And my joke with the high achiever who’s at an Ivy League school is watch this little one, she’s going to be the most successful because for sure she’s the happiest right now because she doesn’t care. She doesn’t, she’s not pushing herself like crazy. She’s like, I don’t know if I even want to go to college. And we’re like, yeah, cool. You’re so mindful about it all
Brad
19:07
Well, how do you measure success to. And as a parent looking at my kids are now just into adult age and they’ve had so much messaging pounded upon them by the culture regardless of where were their achievement level lies. Every kid it seems like is looking toward the lights are shining on them and they’re being judged for every little thing they do. And so I’m trying to like, spread the opposite message to say, figure things out, don’t, you know, don’t, don’t worry where every single thing is going to lead, especially your college major, uh, and try to try to battle against the, the main forces that are coming into their brain.
Wendy
19:42
I think the definition of successful parenting is if you do your job well, you work yourself out of a job, you make an independent human. And secondly, uh, the definition of success for a child is if a child is happy, they’re successful. And what I love about this millennial generation is that they are not chasing money the way their grandparents and parents did. They are global citizens. They are politically active. This next generation, I feel so confident that I will be in their hands when I’m a little old lady and they’ll be running the show. I’m actually very happy with how this generation is turning out.
Brad
20:20
And the ones that are chasing money are going to have such an easy time of it because there are only three percent of them. Instead of 23, they’re just going to start crushing it. And you see some of these kids, uh, you know, launching into careers. My friend’s, uh, son was a moderate college student, frat boy graduated from a non distinctive school, just a normal school and he’s making six figures as a first job. And I’m like, are you kidding me? People, you know, people grind their whole life up the corporate ladder. And so I guess it’s out there for some of them.
Wendy
20:49
Well, this brings something to mind when we talk about intelligence. There are so many different kinds of intelligence. And I believe that emotional intelligence and social intelligence, trump’s intellectual intelligence or academic intelligence, there’s artistic intelligence. There’s athletic kinesthetic, what’s the word? Kinesthetic. There we go. Kinesthetic intelligence, even nature intelligence. When I’m teaching my developmental psychology class and we’re going through the eight kinds of intelligence, we get to the nature one. And I say, raise your hand. Anyone in this room, if you could be dropped by helicopter in a forest and we could come back a week later and you will be alive. And there’s always like two dudes who could, who would raise their hand because they know how to do that. That’s intelligence.
Brad
21:35
Speaking of the the linear ones where you’re excelling in the, uh, the sciences or what have you, we’re going to get crushed over the next 50 years by India and China because they outnumber us so much. And uh, what Fareed Zakaria already wrote a book talking about how the economy is going to change. It’s like you want to go get a high paying computer programming job in Silicon Valley as an American. You’re outnumbered 13 to one. And guess what? Those guys will work harder for less pay because we’ve been spoiled here by, you know, decades of affluence and just having to, you know, be moderately driven and still get a nice gravy train. So if you wanna, if you want to look elsewhere to other forms of intelligence and now’s a good time and you young listeners out there, emotional intelligence, Wendy Walsh says so
Wendy
22:23
because AI cannot do emotional intelligence or social intelligence yet, that’s the problem. And when you’re talking about Fareed Zakaria’s book, I don’t know if you’re talking about a more recent one, but the one I remember is called the post-American world and what he says at the end is so important. She’s, he says, you know, we’re not seeing the fall of America. We’re seeing the rise of the rest. We are seeing the rise of India, Mexico, China, Brazil, Canada, with all the natural resources. Right? And they’re going to be a good competitor. They are being good competitors on the world stage. But one thing America still does best is education, but we have this crazy brain drain. So all these other countries send their best and brightest to our educational higher educational institutions. And then they take them home again to compete against us. And he believes that the way to win this war is to keep them once they get here.
Brad
23:17
Or I guess the cynic could say, don’t let them in in the first place. And then you’re looking at the terrible. Yeah, I mean the, the applications, the University of California, it’s like a quarter of the, uh, the, the freshmen admits are now from out of state, out of country, and then there’s tax payers here in the state. They’ve lived their whole lives wishing to send their kids to get a high quality education and the competition is enormous and if you want to be ranked in the top 10 as a Berkeley and Ucla are, they have to let in the most excelling students. They’re going to drift down because their rankings and all that, so it’s right. We have to awaken to the reality rather than get negative about it and embrace that these other nations are rising and then boy, if you want to carve out a niche for yourself in a competitive world is time to start thinking in a bigger picture than just getting a’s in your classes and doing the resume. Building activities.
Wendy
24:12
Exactly. We need to think about building strong social networks. Again, not the kind that are just online with a bunch of likes and clicks, but actually getting together in the real world. It’s interesting that I have huge followings online at Dr Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and everywhere, but I mostly do business when I go to an event and I actually meet a human and we chat and that turns into a business relationship more than all those. That online nonsense.
Brad
24:39
Wow. So there’s a a exponential of improvement from doing things in person. That’s why I like to meet you in random parking lots for the podcast rather than just Skype and go through my question number seven. Wendy is a but speaking of question, so you said emotional intelligence is your favorite and Kris Gage on the medium. She writes about relationships, fantastic stuff, really short and pithy and she said the number one relationship attribute is emotional self stability and was so big on that that there’s no, no sense talking about number two, number three, number four, unless you have emotional self stability, unless you can hold it together yourself and make your way through life without flipping out and, and going off the handle on a daily basis kind of thing. And
Wendy
25:23
And that doesn’t mean not having feelings. That doesn’t mean not having strong passions. That doesn’t mean not expressing anger or fear or sadness. What it means is taking responsibility for your own regulation and understanding that another person cannot make you feel any way. It’s already inside of you. You’ve decided on an unconscious level decided to use this person in psychology. We call it this current object as the trigger for you to explore something that’s going on inside you. It’s always only about you. Now I know people will say, well, what about the concrete example that my husband parks the car on a weird angle and I can’t fit in the garage and I got to go get his keys and move the car, and he does it like three times a week and he does it to drive me crazy and he knows how it makes me so mad and he knows that it hurts me and he still does it, and my answer, I’ve made this up.
Wendy
26:28
By the way, I don’t have a husband that parks crooked, but my answer would be, who frustrated you this much in your early life? Why do you need this frustration right now? And you know, the best definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So why are you driving yourself crazy by continuing to nag him when there might be a whole nother solution, like not letting certain things bother you or remembering all the things you love about him as you climb up the stairs to borrow his keys to move the car.
Brad
27:03
This one’s hitting hard and I think, you know, on my best days I’m, I’m, I’m striving to be that person that just keeps giving up to that 60 percent as recommended by Dr Wendy oryouknow, given all I have out to the world, to my kids, to my relationship, to aparent’s friends, whatever, and not being in the score, keeping mode where you’re waiting to see what’s coming back. I think that’s a recipe for a sadness, frustration, depression, relationship conflict. So that I’m accepting that advice and realizing it’s all about me. You know, we should take a breath here. Everyone should go. Oh
Wendy
27:41
No. I do want to say very clearly, we all have to put our own oxygen mask on first before we can give to somebody else, so therefore you’re also responsible for your own boundaries. So when I talk about giving, we don’t want to be a people pleasers to the point that we deplete ourselves. So that’s the fine line in have that conflict between autonomy and union, right? So once you have everything that you believe you need and you have cared for yourself with the kind of self care, and I don’t mean endless longing for stuff that never makes you happy, I mean whatever it may be, time to exercise, time to meditate, a time to socialize with friends, whatever you need for you. Once you’ve done that, you will find that you will be left with a well of love to give to others.
Brad
28:33
So now we’re talking about some common occurrences which is the doormat, the martyr. And so they are fighting that losing battle and heading toward insanity because the more they give, the more they give them more frustration they build or whatever rather than the desired outcome. So we got to talk about how we’re gonna, how we’re gonna overcome that and now it sounds like we’re coming back to a place where we have to bring in communication, a resolution negotiation, because if the dumb ass parks his car in a crooked manner everyday and uh, bags out of a no mea culpa isn’t in Spanish, not my know, don’t, you know, don’t accuse me or it’s not my fault. I’m, I’m so busy and absentminded and I was on a phone call and they’re making the excuses and you start to disrespect their, um, you know, their excuses in their, their mindset, their disposition because it does come off as disrespectful if you ask them over and over, how are we gonna? How are we going to solve this? In this hypothetical example of the crooked model?
Wendy
29:29
Well, I would start by being thankful for the garage and I would be really thankful that there’s a garage there in the first place. And then I would think about the entire relationship instead of this moment. And I would think about where they do give, when they give, how they give. Here’s the cool thing. The brain doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality. If you imagine your spouse’s great, you will report that you have a happier relationship. If you only see the weeds in your garden and only water, the weeds, he always. She always does that, right? If that’s what you’re doing, that’s the thought pattern in your brain, then you’re just going to be looking more for more evidence of what you believe, but if you believe that your partner is a good person who loves you, then you will look for evidence of that.
Brad
30:23
Then it will manifest.
Wendy
30:25
Yeah. Oh, and it does grow. That’s the other thing. Did you know just by speaking to the highest part of somebody’s brain, by complimenting them that you will grow, that they will rise to the occasion because they want. They’re like, oh yeah, that’s right. That’s who I am, and they will behave that way. There’s something. There’s a thing that Melanie Klein had come up with years ago called projective identity, that you can project an identity into somebody and they will actually behave in that way.
Brad
30:54
Also, if I call Mia Moore, my girlfriend, the queen and a pretend she’s a ancient Aztec pricks princess. Come to life in modern times and treat her like a queen. She will then become the queen.
Wendy
31:06
Yes, and her attire will change too. It’ll be fascinating.
Brad
31:09
Fascinating transformation with their color coordinated specialist shopping for new clothes because she’s a queen now. Well, I, I accept that solution that you be grateful for your fricking garage and the freaking car that’s parked sideways and all those things. Speaking of cars, we had a party next door to us. Come in chatty, chatty from finishing, shopping. Get in the car and drive away with no sound. So this show is sponsored by Tesla and the quietest, most fantastic backseat where you can record a podcast with yapping going on outside. And you guys didn’t hear one thing with a high performance microphone. Amazing.
Wendy
31:44
No, it’s wild. I can we just talk about Elan for a minute? He is my celebrity crush if there ever was. When. Because he’s.
Brad
31:51
He doesn’t have time for you. He works 100 hours a week.
Wendy
31:54
And he dates supermodels and also. Yeah. And did you always, mom is a model, she’s like in her seventies and she’s a, a, a mature model and she’s beautiful. Uh, anyway, so I don’t know that I could actually have a relationship with Elon because I think he is crazy. But you have to be crazy to be changing the world the way he is. And so I love everything he’s doing in every way he’s doing it. You know, as soon as you buy the Tesla, the next appointment that shows up our guys and beautiful black jackets selling you solar panels for your house because you’re going to be plugging your car in, you’re now using electricity and he wants you to using the sun, right? And they work out this whole payment. They ask for your bills ahead of time, your utility bills, and they work out this whole payment that’s actually cheaper than what you’re currently paying in utility bills and it pays off over time, et cetera. So it’s like a no brainer. Why would anyone say no to the solar panels? If it’s cheaper than what I pay the DWP.
Brad
32:48
Okay. And you start getting a check. Theoretically, if you have a lot of sun, you start sending power back to the grid.
Wendy
32:53
Yeah. You don’t get a check. I think you just put. You give your power back, right? I don’t know if you get it. I don’t know. I think anyway, I can choose to be on the grid or off the grid and I believe that we are all connected and we are a community and you need to stay on the grid.
Brad
33:07
Well also I talked to the endurance athletes about the single most dangerous thing they do buy a multiple factor is riding the bicycle out on the open road because you can die every single day in every single workout and that includes going down to the bike path and you’re. You’re asking for trouble when you’re mixing with cars and so probably number two for all of us, if you’re not a bicycle rider is driving right there. There’s a lot of trouble out there and now we have a car that’s proven to be many times safer than the average car because it has smart braking and all these intelligent features.
Wendy
33:40
My car stops faster than I could ever get my foot to the brake. My car shows me when they’re cyclists around the car, it actually shows pictures of shadowy cyclists coming up on my right or left. There are no blind spots because there are all these cameras around the car and of course it drives itself. You know, my favorite button is this summon button, so I have this app on my phone and it. Let’s say I came out of a restaurant and I didn’t want to walk to my car in high heels. I could hit summon my car would drive to me and pick me up like a chauffeur.
Brad
34:10
I’ve seen that demo and so like intellectually I realize with here’s my kids out on the open road and the most dangerous drivers are the ages from 16 to 29 and so really if you love your kids enough, you should get them brand new giant Teslas and have them driving the safest car and then you can sleep well at night after. Forget their college tuition. College is overrated and you know all that stuff.
Wendy
34:33
Keep them alive. That’s what we needed to keep them alive.
Brad
34:36
I mean, you know, on a serious note, and I talked to my biking friends, like really think twice about what you’re doing and if you insist on writing and you can’t live without your bike ride, get in your car and drive 14 minutes or nine minutes or 27 minutes to a safe area to do your exercise on the bicycle because it’s measurably, it’s just a bad idea. Otherwise
Wendy
34:57
you see those, not even the big groups of cyclists because at least they’re more visible. But the individual guys on the racing bike coming up PCH in Malibu with the cars going by 50 miles an hour, 24 inches from them
Brad
35:10
everyday. That was my life. I lived on PCH. I had the, the nicest backyard, uh, in, in, in America, you know, the, um, the ocean over the deck. And then the worst front yard. Literally, you can’t get a worst front yard than the highway. I had a trooper with the old swinging door and I had to wait till traffic. There was a break in traffic before I could open my car door and get my groceries out, So we have our plug for a safe and a highly functional car. It’d be nice if everybody got them. Then there’d be no accidents or they’ll be much fewer.
Wendy
35:39
Now the Tesla model three is out in there pumping up to full production. I think they’re coming out with 5,000 a week and so hopefully everyone will be able to afford electric cars and the other car manufacturers have stepped up because they felt the competition from Tesla and now everybody’s doing it. My favorite question that was asked to Elon Musk during the 60 minutes interview is it’s weird like every time you come up with some new green technology, you don’t keep it as a secret for your company. You put all the plans out on the Internet for any engineer to use. What if the other car companies do it faster, better and put you out of business and he goes, then I’ve won. We still save the planet.
Brad
36:17
That’s pretty cool. I remember that and got to give him credit and you’re shaking your head like, is this real? And it’s real. Yeah, it open source car designing and all that stuff. Awesome, so I was drawing this connection between why you want to have that emotional stability and you want to come from that place of gratitude and giving in a relationship and not sweat the small stuff and then earlier you mentioned what happened to you when you were a child or what traumas are you bringing into mind today and that could be the reason why we have difficulty getting there and for sample shrugging our shoulders, being grateful, going upstairs to get the keys to move the crooked car and going on with our day and I feel like we have such an easy time slipping into a battle mode or defense mode, especially in a love relationship where our emotions on our sleeve and we’re very sensitive to how we’re being perceived.
Wendy
37:12
It’s when people become a victim in their own head, it is the most dangerous place to be. When you put responsibility on somebody else for your happiness, you’re really setting yourself up for failure. And while I believe that a good relationship is an exchange of care, and that care can take many forms, it can be sexual care, it could be physical care. If someone’s sick, it could be intellectual stimulation care, it can be financial care. There are many ways that we care for each other. Um, I also believe that you have to practice a degree of self care. And when I talk about emotional regulation, the trick is to step aside from your feelings in the moment and watch them create a little gap like you’re watching a movie. That’s why I teach my health students mindfulness meditation because it teaches them how to step out of their feelings and watch their feelings instead of letting their feelings run their behavior.
Wendy
38:12
And that is the first step to emotional regulation is first just watching it. Do you know why journaling work so well when people are feeling depressed or angry and they put it in a journal? Because when you go back and read it, you are now the watcher. You’re not in it anymore. You’re able to see it. You know, you can even take scenarios where you went, oh, I messed up so bad. I’m so embarrassed that, and you can rewrite it in your head to help heal yourself. You can forgive yourself. You can learn that what happened to you. You know what your parents, believe it or not, did the best they could with the tools they had and they were probably given some really bad tools so you can forgive your parents. You can forgive yourself. You were a child. What did you know? Right? Then you can become an adult and take full responsibility for all your feelings.
Brad
39:09
What do you say to someone who’s a jaded enough to offer a quip back? Like I, I, it’s too hard. I can’t do it or anything like that.
Wendy
39:18
They’re not. Buying in happiness is a choice. You don’t have to choose to be happy. You don’t have to choose to have a fulfilling life. I mean, I would. I don’t judge people for the walk that they have in their life. I try to understand people. I spend a lot of time trying to understand human behavior and have compassion for human beings, but I, I never judge, although earlier in this podcast you mentioned that I was sounding very black and white when it came to the kid thing. You know, the only thing I got to get on a soapbox about his parenting because I can see the intergenerational cycles of trauma that happened in families. So I’m just like, wake up adults, wake up please. All of your stuff so that your kid doesn’t inherit it because we’re all destined to finish the emotional work of our parents.
Wendy
40:04
It gets injected into us partly through our DNA physically and partly through what was taught to us in how they behave. And so it’s up to us to kind of break the cycle and become independent thinkers and learned really how to love ourselves. And when I say love, I don’t mean being selfish and saying, Oh, I love myself. I’m going to buy myself all these things. I mean literally knowing deep inside that even though you’re a human being, you make mistakes. Stuff happens. You feel embarrassed for things. You get mad at others that you still are basically a good person and you work on growing compassion and caring for others and we fail sometimes and other times we succeed and when we do, it’s okay to feel proud of yourself to that is self love.
Brad
40:56
I think you can take little baby steps here and build momentum really well. So if you can even have one nice exchange at the grocery store where you said, oh, go before me you, you look like you’re in a hurry or do have some measure of comfort that or you handled a, a, an altercation on the road and, and kept your cool and you can kind of build on that.
Wendy
41:17
So when you’re talking about is something so interesting. While I mentioned there’s a thing called projective identification, we can actually project and identity into people and they will take it on and they will behave that way because we believe that’s who they are. There’s another thing that happens and I call it environmental feedback loop. It works like this. Our feelings shape our behavior. Our behavior impacts on the environment. The environment feeds back our feelings, so if we wake up with a black cloud over our head, uh, we go out in the morning and believe that the Barista at the coffee shop is going to rip us off somehow, or they’re going to take too long or they’re not going to put the heavy cream in the only the half and half some problem. Then you will start out grumpy. You’ll project that onto others and for sure they will feed it back to you and then you will have confirmed your belief that people are bad and the world is bad.
Wendy
42:15
But if you get up and you tell yourself on this day something really great, is this a trick I do for myself? By the way, some mornings when I’m really bored and there’s nothing exciting on my schedule and I know the humans love excitement. I say to myself, oh, something really great is going to happen today. Oh my goodness. I tell myself this. I’m lying in bed. It’s still dark. I’m half asleep, half awake. And I go, oh my God, this is the day. You know that feeling when you’re a kid and you wake up and you know, it’s Christmas. I muster that feeling and I go, oh, this is the day, and then I’m like, oh, but I don’t know what it is, so I’ve got to look for it all day long. So everywhere I go I look for the magic in life and when you’re looking for it, you flipping see it everywhere.
Wendy
43:08
Like today I cut into this Japanese Pumpkin, which I’d never cooked before because it came in my farmers basket. It was green on the outside and inside there were these beautiful seeds and they were laid out in this array that just looked like a complex piece of jewelry and I had just a a moment where I was like, wow, this is beautiful in here. But had I woken up with a cloud over my head looking for badness, I would’ve said, this thing is so hard to cut. It’s so hard. Right? Instead it was a present that I opened and found in a, you know, a pearl inside my oyster with these. The way the seats were laid out. So life is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that good will happen and you will find magic, then you will guarantee you will,
Brad
43:59
Oh my gosh, the Bruce Lipton, the biology of belief and get him proving scientifically like when you walk into a room and the energy feels kinda low or you walk into a party and energy is electric. It’s a literal truth at the molecular level. And so when you walk in with your smile into Starbucks and you think you’re just being a nice person, you’re actually changing the molecules in the other people’s bodies and all, all around it has this, this effect that we don’t, we don’t see it, but it’s been, it’s been proven to be, to be accurate. All these sensations that we have, like when you don’t connect with somebody and it just feels flat, it’s literally true as and so as the opposite
Wendy
44:38
And we make it happen. You know, life people always got bad stuff happens to me. Only bad stuff happens to me. You know, that stuff happens to everybody, but plenty of good stuff happens too. But it just depends on what you focus on. You know, I use the example, you know, when you decided you’ve saved up and you’re going to buy your very first car, that was always a big day for everybody in their life. Right? And so when they finally figured out the make and model of what they’re going to buy, and they’ve almost got the money together, all of a sudden, at every intersection, at every red light, every, every car passing you in back, you see your car, you see the year of the color, the make the model, exactly what you’ve decided. You want it, you see it everywhere because that’s what you’re focused on. Those cars were there the day before happiness was there yesterday. You weren’t looking at it.
Brad
45:31
You know, I’ve talked about this frequently because it’s the theme of my show. Get over yourself and that’s the big message that I have from my time as an athlete when I was in this highly intense competitive environment and so driven and so focused and wanting to win so badly and was bringing that type a massive competitive intensity to everyday of my life. And taking myself so seriously, and that’s when I struggled and suffered and fell apart and I feel like I’ve had to work through for years and decades, getting over myself, uh, you know, manifesting my happiness and my lighthearted, uh, you know, the parts of my personality which are there and allowing them to come out and predominate over that person who’s got some message, like you better work harder so you can have self esteem associated with your high performance in the competition or in any other measurable thing. And so I feel like I’ve made progress along those lines and now there’s a chance where, uh, I have the tendency to be too positive and having, having too much gratitude and looking on the bright side so much that I don’t face the difficulties and challenges in my life in a responsible manner because I can always look on the bright side.
Wendy
46:44
Well, I think what you’re talking about is avoidance, which is different. That’s like ignoring every problem out there until it grows bigger, right? Um, or, or just,
Brad
46:56
you know, I’m seeing it as not a big problem and a, at least I’m alive and healthy if I’m running out of money or doing things where you should be sitting in your shit maybe and making some plans and some strategies rather than just brazenly thinking, well, at least the sun’s out. And I had a good workout this morning.
Wendy
47:17
Well, you used the word at least meaning that you’re feeling like this is the least you could do instead of the maximum you could do. And you know, part of being a human being is finding balance. Because what I hear you talking about, Brad, is balance. So when you were an athlete, it was all about competition. It was all about working out and you were tunneled visioned in that way. And now you’re tunnel vision is about, you know, having some lightness of spirit, perhaps having some more positive energy. But you know, life is also working out like doing the work you need to, to survive and for your family to survive. I’m paying your dues, spending the time doing that, doing it in a joyful way, doing it with, you know, not just like, I’m going to do this for the money, but doing this, like how can I make this day interesting because there’s also a value pay off with the money. Um, it’s all about attitude with everything we do, but avoiding problems and avoiding goals is not the same as just looking on the positive side.
Brad
48:24
I also feel like we’re getting this message frequently about just manifesting the life of your dreams and a lot of this breezy talk and when people cross over that threshold and start to sound too airy fairy, I kind of shut down or I smirked because I’m coming from the athletic experience where you were timed and this is your finishing time and this is you’re placing. And there was completely a graphic and black and white rather than being able to talk a good story at the bar. So you can impress your date with a bunch of blather. And I think we’re, we’re trafficking in the social media era with people putting on this presentation and crafting a brand and crafting an image which is disconnected from the reality where whatever they’re thinking and feeling, and I don’t want to be one of those people. That’s why I’m identifying myself as at times to positive. So I need to sit down and face my uncertain financial future with more responsibility and more reality. Rather than saying, oh, I’m just going to manifest more money every time I run out.
Wendy
49:24
Uh, you’re misunderstanding. I’ll have a to do list everyday of my life. I. And sometimes it’s filled with drudgery that I do not want to do. And so what I do to make it a little more fun is I make sure that I always schedule in a reward. So I look at my list in the morning and I think about what is the thing I don’t want to do the most. And I make sure I do that first. And I find the thing I want to do the most. Like I want to jump on it. And I turned that task into my reward at the end of my list. So you know, manifesting is not the same as not doing. Manifestors are doers. All the word manifest means is making a plan, making a to do list that will get you down the road. I also use this metaphor a lot because people are saying, what are your goals?
Wendy
50:20
What are you doing next? I always say, you know what? I’m walking down a road. I have a goal, and if I don’t keep moving towards goal down that road, I will never see all the forks in the road where I could potentially make a right or left turn sitting on manifesting is not going to allow me to see that road. It’s not gonna. Allow me to see the right turns and left turns, the opportunities that might be presented to me, but having a goal and shooting for it is step one to being able to see other opportunities
Brad
50:48
and possibly failing and having setbacks and being forced to recalibrate and using them all as growth experiences.
Wendy
50:54
Yeah, the. If you ask the most successful people why they’re successful, how they’re successful, I don’t know if they’re aware of this, but they will say because I failed so much because it didn’t work, and you know the human brain more than anything, loves to adapt to a hostile environment and while doing that is problem solving all day long. Human brain loves to problem solve and this is what failure does. Now if failure turns up into beat up self esteem, Oh, I’m not worthy. I can’t. If those words fall into your brain, you have some other internal work to do, but if failure is, shoot, that didn’t work. Let me try another way to get over this wall. Maybe if I dig a hole under me, if I get around the side or maybe this wall is not as big as I thought I should turn, right?
Wendy
51:46
And there’s no wall there and do something different. Right? So, you know, I think sometimes for people when it comes to failure, especially if they’re putting a lot of time and energy into a new business that’s not becoming successful, is you have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. You have to know when to walk away and not throw, for instance, you know, what do they call it? Good money after bad money. Um, and that’s hard for people to let that failure go and go, you know what, that didn’t work out. I went to build a website and I did the stupidest thing. I did the tech before I did the market research because I just want this website to be so beautiful and I wanted all the bells and whistles and what you clicked on and what it to be. I didn’t even know if there was going to be a market for it. I just had an instinct there had to be and I got $10,000 into building this website and then I’m like doing a little market research here and there and I’m like, you know, this was a bad idea and I should just shut it all down. I went, well, I learned something important there.
Brad
52:44
Well, it takes a lot of strength because you’re disengaging from your ego that needs it to finish just for reasons outside of market research.
Wendy
52:52
People get stuck on things and then they can’t move forward. And then there are other people that don’t persevere enough and they’re jumping around too much if it’s not like an instant jet train. They’re like, you know, you have to. There’s something in between that that works.
Brad
53:05
Yeah. I spent a $175 on this website idea and then I ditched it. Right. That’s the in between like really? So what did you try again? Oh, you made two phone calls, right? You went in hardcore and I think that’s further furthering you on down the road of advancement.
Wendy
53:21
The most important thing I did, like I was having this frustrating moment with this website and I was trying to get a little traffic to it and it was so beautiful. I wanted to tell the world about this business idea and I went online and I found like this business coach who actually had an MBA and she said she would get on the phone with people for only $300 and I had spent almost nearly 10,000 at this point on the website and I’m like, I’m going to call this woman. I’m going to get dead honest answers. So I sent her my website. I gave her my business plan and she got on the phone with me and she had no problem just going, well, where’s your market research? Well how do you know you didn’t test it? And she’s like, you know, tech is the last thing you build in an online business. The very last thing. And I’m like, oh. And it was just like, I was like, I am not going to stay attached to something that is just going to drain me and not move somewhere. And people do that, but the big success, successful people have many, many, many, many failures like that is that they hit on the one that works.
Brad
54:21
They probably have a lot of expert consultation and coaching. I like how you reached out for that 300 bucks and maybe saved you 70,000 more dollars. Who knows?
Wendy
54:29
I’m a big believer in asking professionals for everything. I reach out and I get information. I’m always, I’m not afraid to make an appointment with somebody and go, how does this work? Or why do I do that? And it’s very helpful.
Brad
54:44
Dang. I liked that. I need some more inspiration in that, in that department because I’m kind of reluctant. I guess it’s difficult to let go and trust sometimes.
Wendy
54:52
I think it’s a guy thing. It’s the ego thing. Women are very good at asking for directions.
Brad
54:56
I’m good at asking for directions because I don’t like to waste time. So that was that distinct example. I always had no problem rolling down the window and run it in somewhere, but now I don’t have to do that anymore. But you know, finding someone trusted with more experience. And more expertise than you. Boy, that’s a, that’s a real winning a winning strategy
Wendy
55:17
and having enough self confidence to ask questions. You know, other people are like, oh, they won’t answer my email. They won’t take my call. Like you won’t know until you do. You know, as Wayne Gretzky says, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. That’s my favorite saying in life doesn’t hurt to try.
Brad
55:35
I got another favorite Wayne Gretzky exchange, which was, he was talking to a parent of an aspiring hockey player. And uh, he, he, the, the parents said, Wayne, you know, I got to get this kid to practice more. What’s your strategy like, where did your father do for you? How did we, you know, what can I do to inspire him? And Wayne said, no one ever had to tell me to practice more.
Wendy
55:58
That’s how it goes. You just follow your kids and their likes and their desires and see what they’re interested in and take them to that.
Brad
56:06
Right? You’re the caddy or the door opener, but not the orchestrator, not overly orchestrating things. I’ve found that to a in practical experience, the times where it was their idea, it was a great idea and when it was my idea, it was really bad idea. I think that’s um, Dr William Hughes in Sacramento. He wrote a book about parenting and that was like his signature thing and it’s like, oh my gosh. Yeah, that’s exactly, that’s, that’s it right there. Now follow up question. I’m concerned on the adult level and all these peak performance attributes you just expressed like your to do list and you’re going out and getting coaching and now we’re talking about the kids too and I feel like we’re getting overwhelmed with technology and distraction to the extent that we’re atrophying all these great personal peak performance attributes like staying focused. What do we do about that? And then on the kids side, what do we do when you see your kid withering away hours and hours of wasted time and not being motivated to do anything?
Wendy
57:07
Well, don’t we sound like an older generation person talking about these young kids, right? Listen, Elon Musk says we’re already cyborgs except part of our brain is already outside of us
Brad
57:19
That one trip me out and he, the explanation was, well, if you have a phone in your hand, then you know every single fact that’s ever been discovered in the history of the universe. I’m like, Oh shit, you’re right. The population of California is 38 million, 974,399. Oh my gosh. That one tripped me out. I’m already super human super freak robot right now. Brad Kearns and Wendy Walsh. We’re both super freak robots.
Wendy
57:44
I said, I’m sitting in my night rider car that Elon made and so the question is, I look at these kids who are digital natives who have been brought up literally staring at screens. We can complain all day long that their brains are not being used sufficiently. You know what they’re really good at. They know where to access information, how to get information, when to get information. As we enter the blade runner age, these kids will adapt. They are adapting their environment and every single older generation looks down at the younger generation said, remember when we use typewriters, and when we drove horse and carriage, right as if somehow the past was always better in some way But human beings are always adapting to their environment and you know, are, are they, are they becoming less intelligent? Maybe did you know that for like thousands of years or hundreds of years anyway, the Bible, nobody wrote, it was translated by people had it memorized, it was memorized. We had such better longterm memory and we get ahold huge bodies of information or had. So we’ve already evolved past that, right? Um, and so we’re changing. We’re not necessarily, you know, dying. It’s our Intelligence is being used in different areas is what it is. And these kids are smart. I mean hand your iPhone to any 14 year old if you need to get anything done quickly and boom, boom, boom. Just the processing speed and the ability to instinctively feel out a website and they’ve got it figured out.
Brad
59:25
Are you concerned on any levels of some of the attrition of important human skills?
Wendy
59:31
Well, I’m a scientist, so I try not to judge. I will say who, how can we predict what form of human connection is needed for future survival? We are survival of the fittest and certain traits are adaptive to the environment. Now as a human living in 2019 on the planet in America, my stomach dies when I think that close human attachments and love may evolve out of us. May procreation be something that’s done in labs where there is enough Scifi movies and books showing that right? Uh, will men and women separate in some way is. I mean, I think I had at neuroscientists on my podcast the other day talking about how dating apps biohack us by creating these rushes of dopamine with every match and every message. And then on another time people might be using pornography for their testosterone and estrogen. So there’s sort of piece-mealing a kind of relationship that’s bio hacking them without actually being, with a human being. So who knows what the future will hold for us. I just want to sit back and watch it all.
Brad
01:00:44
Aren’t you concerned for your, your daughters that their experience is going to be possibly dramatically diminished or I mean different is the way you describe. I mean they have the sex robots now that’ll be lifelike and, and do anything you want and you can dress them up like a cheerleader like Charlie Sheen without having to pay them and all that great stuff, but it’s like I’ve, I feel some sensitivity to the future generations just because of the great richness and value of the things that are most special to us. Could be outsourced. Like you said.
Wendy
01:01:16
I guess we have to ask ourselves, what is it to be human? What is the meaning in our life into where does love play into it? If my great, great grandmother came back and landed today and was sitting in this car with us and said, you know, where is your natural food? We’re trying at least to get good fruit in our bodies now. Uh, and why haven’t you been with one man for 40 years at this point? And where are your grandchildren at this age? And why isn’t there a man paying the bills? Right? We talk about it. She would see the changes in gender roles. Probably the first thing that would be um, andthe. And then she would say, why isn’t if she’s, if there was a husband, well, why is it, is your husband on your facebook page with you? Why isn’t there one phone number for why is there, there’s a phone, right? So every order
Brad
01:02:07
to driving your car, where’s your car driving itself?
Wendy
01:02:09
Exactly. And so every generation changes and adapts to the environment. And along the way, human being searched for the search for meaning, for their own personal existence. They searched for it in the spiritual realm, in religions, in science. Everybody spends their mental energy saying, what is this for? And come to hopefully comes to a feeling of contentment or satisfaction with the answer. They come up with themselves,
Brad
01:02:42
Sure. That’s heavy.
Wendy
01:02:44
And you wanted to talk about me kissing Dennis Rodman. I thought, well, how do we get so heavy?
Speaker 4
01:02:49
That was first on the list Eric Kobrine. We’d be disappointed if we didn’t, if we didn’t hit that. And if you don’t know who Dennis, Robin, his folks, he was the greatest rebounder of all time in the NBA. Crazy guy, had this wild party lifestyle off the court with dyed hair and I think he wrote some bestselling books. So you guys have that in common. Is that how you met at a book event or something?
Wendy
01:03:09
No, no. Back when I was a player chick. Literally. I mean I think hormones so much dictate our stage of life stuff. And so back in, I’m going to say not in the nineties, I was a local news anchor in Los Angeles and I would go off air at like 10:00 at night. Hair and makeup ready, having just had my last cappuccino in our before. And so I had my name on the list of every nightclub in LA and I happened to run into him in the back room of a lesbian strip club. I didn’t know why I was there. Someone said go to this club. And um, anyway, we ended up because it’s sort of making out a little bit. I don’t know why I was, it was in my young player chick days and maybe I’m doing it only so as an old lady I can go on an athlete’s podcast and say this and tell the story. Maybe I just want it to have experiences to up.
Brad
01:04:00
I guess we should put that like in the title, you know, Wendy Walsh talking deep matters of life and also hanging with Rodman or something to pull in the ratings. So you had a, you had a player chick phase. Then he had a supermom phase that we learned about last time where you, you, you took yourself off the market, you said, and you want 100 percent into, into the child rearing. I breastfed for six years. Wow. They’re, they’re like almost up to the height where they don’t have to. You can, they can do it standing three years each two kids said, oh, okay, sorry. I was putting you in that Waldorf mom category where the kid just walks over and lifts up, you know. Oh boy, they’re pretty tall. Yeah. Uh, so what’s, what’s the, uh, what’s your reflections and what does the future hold? Double question,
Wendy
01:04:46
What phase am I in now? I am in the wisdom face. I have fully embraced aging. I love it. I love it. I love it. You got to understand Brad I was a model. I moved to Paris when I was 18. I had this same brain. In fact, my processing speed was much faster, but nobody could hear me, nobody could see me. They were just distracted by the beauty. And I know I’m the poor, polite of the pretty girl. I’m so sorry. I know what you’re saying. But the truth is, um, I, my face has grown into my brain and I love it. I’m at the best age in my fifties. I love where I am now. I love the sense of accomplishment that I’ve had in my career. I love that I’ve built a degree of financial security. I love that my kids have turned out okay. The kids are okay. I’m so happy. My daughters are now almost 16 and almost 21. And um, I feel like I have so much ahead of me. I have all kinds of new secret goals too, so it’s just an exciting time for me.
Brad
01:05:53
I’m not asking you to reveal the goals, but I’d love to know what is the significance of a secret goal rather than blabbing the goal to everybody who will listen.
Wendy
01:06:04
That’s a really great question. I, the goal isn’t really secret because I’m going to tell it to you because I tell everybody my goals because I can’t believe it myself yet and when I fully believe it than it will be less secret. And my secret is that I want to end my life working in public policy, helping families everywhere. I don’t know where. I don’t know when I’m thinking 2022. I don’t know what race I am. Just been, um, I’m on the short list for a program called a immerge California where they train women to run for public office. And I had my interview in January 26th. I hope I get it and it’s a five month training program and I read somewhere that Madeline Albright didn’t get her first real job until she was 55. And look at her now. Right. I am so healthy and I am so happy and I have so much wisdom and I just care a lot and I want to now, if I raised my children and was successful, now I want to raise the culture a little bit.
Brad
01:07:06
What kind of office would you target?
Wendy
01:07:10
There are many. There are many. I’m going to go where I am called. If I need to move to another state, I will do that. If it is citywide, statewide national congress, I don’t know where it will be called, but if I tell enough people that I’m available up. Listen, I have the skillset to be a politician. I have excellent communication skills. I have a well of compassion inside me and I have thick alligator skin. That’s all you need.
Brad
01:07:40
Those are the big three right there. You’re set. I like it. And it’s also so much of a, um, you know, it’s, it’s a mind game where the candidate is sort of manipulating in the public and in so many ways, especially with the rousing speeches and you can, I think, come from your heart and, and talk about things that have backed just like on the show today when you’re saying this or that. It’s backed by science backed by research. You love doing that stuff. And so you’ll say things that are significant in there. They actually have weight behind them. I hope
Wendy
01:08:12
I, I have built my life’s reputation accidentally on purpose by being a truth teller. When I was a kid. I would always say, why? Why do they do that? Why is this? And especially if adults weren’t talking about something drove me crazy. I needed to know. I don’t like secrets. I liked the truth. And as you know, I, you know, the universe lined itself up where I became the woman who spoke out on behalf of victims of sexual harassment at Fox News. And you know, my attorney at the time, Lisa Bloom, a dear friend who I love, said to me, listen in, because I was afraid of these big guys and lawyers in New York, and what if they sued me? What if I lost my house? I’m a single mother and I was so afraid, and she was like, listen, in order for them to prove a defamation lawsuit, they have to prove that you lied.
Wendy
01:09:06
They have to prove that you knew you lied and they have to prove that you did it with malice. This is a very hard bar to reach if you’re telling the truth. And I said, well, I’m telling the truth. And she said, then you’re fine. You have no legal worries. And so I realized looking back that my entire life has been that way. I mean, I tell truths to a fault. If I think about any kind of conflict I’ve ever gotten in with somebody, it’s because I told the truth that they didn’t want told, not necessarily a secret disclosure, but commented on something I saw that was very obvious and observable. The elephant in the living room, the emperor with no clothes, I’m the one to go. Ah, look what I see. And I think that in politics that will be refreshing because there’s a lot of lying that goes on and you know what, if people don’t vote for me because they don’t agree with my issues and my truth, okay, my Gosh, shut down that website, fine, but why not try to be real and authentic and caring and compassionate and just help families live a better life.
Brad
01:10:15
So why is that telling the truth to a fault at times? Why’d you say that?
Wendy
01:10:21
Because people carry a lot of shame and people carry a lot of secrets and people live faults, artificial lives and the last thing they want is somebody shining the light on what they’re saying or what they’re doing. And so whenever I’ve had minor interpersonal conflict with anybody in my entire lifespan, I look back on it and I’m like, why did we get in an argument? What was that about?
Wendy
01:10:45
Oh, I touched a tender spot. They didn’t want that discussed.
Brad
01:10:52
So I guess you could make the choice to let it go rather than identify that there are manifesting their childhood traumas with they’re blowing up over a minor, a relationship issue. You could point that out and be accurate or you can just go with the flow. Is the other choice, is that what you’re saying?
Wendy
01:11:07
Oh No, I don’t run around analyzing everybody I see. And I also don’t insult people, especially if I know that they do a tender spot, but accidentally it happens sometimes you know, you’re just like, wait a minute, you met that guy four months ago and you’re already married and all your friends are rushing to the wedding shower. Nobody’s going, ah, duh have even had a fight yet. I asked that question. Girls didn’t like that.
Brad
01:11:31
I see. Okay. Dr Wendy Walsh telling the truth as always on the podcast. What a great show. Thank you for spending the time during cheer practice.
Wendy
01:11:41
So we tell everybody that we’ve really steamed up the windows in my Tesla.
Brad
01:11:45
That would be a nice, nice way to close the, uh, the initial equips and comments. And now it’s getting really steamy back here. No one can even see where recording the podcasts were even more private. Thank you so much for listening everybody and send your emails. Get over yourself. Podcast@Gmail.com. We’re gonna. We’re gonna. Find Wendy someday in the future.
Wendy
01:12:04
And I do a plug. Oh my gosh. Yes. Oh, I can do a plug. So I am launching a podcast. I don’t know when yours is airing. So forget about timing. Go look for a podcast called Mating Matters. I’m producing it with iheart media and it’s the. It looks at human behavior through a lens of reproduction. Basically, I believe everything we do is related to human mating and it’s filled with the science of human mating. So it will be. It is now. I’m sure by the time you’re listening to this, it is, it comes out Valentine’s Day, 2019 the series and it will be wherever you get your podcasts. It’s called dating matters. With Dr Wendy Walsh. Mating matters
Brad
01:12:41
and it’s going to be a series on this issue every time. What kind of format?
Wendy
01:12:46
So it’s a, you know, 25, 30 minute podcast. It has a, it’s well produced. I have a great producer, Brooke Peterson with lots of sound and I do a lot of interviews for it and the first episode is called, for instance, hidden eggs. Why we have concealed fertility and how that makes men behave and women behave and why strippers make more money when they’re ovulating. Long story, you got to listen to the podcast. The second episode is called the trouble with testosterone, how you can tell the difference between high testosterone men, low testosterone in men and the two things that make high testosterone men monogamous. I’m not going to give it away, and then the third episode is called the God that clubs and I look at how religions form rules around sexuality, dating marriage to help increase their membership. Then the fourth episode is just called what is love? The biological, sociological, psychological pieces of love. What is love? Then what else do I have? Oh, sexy money. Why pursuit of money is really a pursuit of sex and the high supply sexual economy and how the price of sex changes depending on its availability in our culture. And there’s another one and I’m trying to remember what it was. I know we just did dating apathy. That’s what I was talking to you about how dating apps biohack our brain and there’ll be many more.
Brad
01:14:05
That is a heavy episode load. I’m all over that. Mating Matters. Dr Wendy Walsh. Thanks for the plug. We’re going to jump all over that Valentine’s Day. Two thousand 19. Releasing once a week. We’re just going grind through those.
Wendy
01:14:19
What I’m going to do because I’ve been working on for about four or five months because they’re well produced with a lot of sound, et cetera and interviews. So we’re going to release to the first week and then one a week and then by that point we’ll have caught up and we’ll have a new one every week. You know, we want to bank a few of them before we get going.
Brad
01:14:36
Yeah, thank you.

 

 

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