I welcome Mia Moore to the studio for her first show, appropriate being that the Get Over Yourself Northern California studios are located in her house!

Mia is seen by many, or at least and perhaps most importantly by me Brad Kearns, as an ideal relationship partner. Hence we aspire to have her as a recurring guest to talk about healthy relationship dynamics and strategies. In the future, we will zero in on specific topics like show #2’s “Cheerleader Show”, or discuss popular relationship theories (The Four Agreements, Mars and Venus, John Gottman’s work, Kris Gage’s articles on Medium.com). This conversation moved quickly through many topics that will make great centerpiece discussions for future shows. The central theme of the Mia Moore shows was presented, which is that we might want to second-guess our baseline beliefs about relationships. We see so much struggle, stress and dysfunction in romantic partnerships that we become socialized to believe that relationships are mainly about hard work, compromise of beliefs, values, and preferences, frustration, heartache, and extra stress, with glimpses of bliss thrown in now and then. These realities pair with the routine venting and commiserating sessions with the boys at bowling league or the girls at book club.

Mia talks about how life experience, including both positive and negative aspects of past relationships, can frame one’s perspective and stimulate personal growth for more happiness, peace, and fulfillment in future relationships. Mia suggests that those who complain about relationship imperfections are advised to show up at a singles meetup or engage with an Internet dating service to gain a fresh perspective and perhaps experience more gratitude for what they got at home. Mia suggests that the worst mistake parents make is prioritizing kids before the nurturing of a loving partnership. In the age of helicopter parenting in general, kids come to believe they are at the center of the universe, and likely will bring these unhealthy perspectives into future love relationships of their own.

Most importantly, Mia has adopted a lifestyle motto of, “don’t sweat the small stuff,” which helps her navigate potentially contentious situations with work, family, friends, and our partnership with great patience and peace. Recall the popular book title and subtitle, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff.” That said, Mia observes that small stuff is relative. If chronic lateness is seen as trivial by one but highly offensive by another, these people might not be poised for a healthy relationship because of such a fundamental difference in values and beliefs.

The show is not merely warm fuzzy fun with a kudo kounter. We stay unplugged and authentic without script, notes or agenda. At one point, Mia calls me out for getting “butt hurt” when random interruptions occur (e.g., a GPS navigation voice) while I am busy blabbing away on the important topic of the day. Mia also calls B.S. on my emphasizing the concept of “drawing boundaries” as a relationship strategy. This gets me (and maybe you) to rethink a basic premise: should we really have to draw our boundaries again and again in relationship? Could we instead express our needs and preferences and expect that partners respect our boundaries pretty well?

So what about stuff like explosive arguments and emotionally-charged communication? Kris Gage on the Medium says “emotional control/emotional self-stability” is the mandatory top priority for a healthy relationship. Gage argues persuasively that everything else flows from this starting point; otherwise the relationship is doomed. Mia draws a critical distinction between “venting” (about a tough day at work or challenges with family members or friends), and “kicking the dog” with emotionally abusive communication. It seems people often get a free pass here; that they are allowed to figuratively kick the dog, say sorry, and carry on with dysfunctional communication dynamics due to their stressful lifestyle circumstances wearing down their emotional stability. How about we call BS on that?! Mia and I strive to adhere to a relationship ideal that feedback of any form can always be dispensed with loving kindness.

Mia suggests going to therapy to discern the difference between healthy venting and dysfunctional venting. She reflects on some of her past relationship dynamics that “weren’t pretty,” and how she one day resolved to never again accept or engage in yelling as a relationship dynamic. Mia explains that when someone is venting, it’s a great idea to just listen and validate instead of the common knee-jerk reaction to dispense advice (or worse, dispense critical feedback and veiled judgment). Deepak Chopra reminds us that all of us want “attention and acceptance as we are.” John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, reminds us that men are naturally wired to solve problems, while women are wired for connection. So if a woman is venting to a man, the man might resolve to listen and validate instead of solve the problem for her. I believe the Mars and Venus corollary to that is men need “cave time” instead of nagging when they are emotionally disturbed, and that they will eventually return to with a fresh perspective accordingly. We will have to ask John Gray when Mia and I get him on for a show.

Teeing up an important theme for future shows, is a natural match in attitude/behavior/life disposition a better idea than the “opposites attract” concept where people think disparate dispositions and values have a complementary effect? Mia suggests we should sort through this stuff in our youth and not get married until age 30! Alas, when we get older, we often get set in our ways and experience more mismatches and less inclination to compromise relationship goals and ideals. This stuff must be considered in negotiating agreeable circumstances, or perhaps walking away from assorted relationship “dealbreakers” (another future show theme.)

I ask Mia how she maintains her perpetual smile and sunny disposition. She claims she was born that way, with the glass half full. I ask if her emotional control and discerning communication skills were honed in her decades of existence in a large bureaucratic work environment. Not really, says Mia, reminding us that there are plenty of pop-offs in the workplace! Mia also explains that being in a healthy partnership helps her maintain her sensitive and effective communication skills. The show gets a little spicy when Mia suggests that taking matters into the bedroom can help assuage routine day-to-day relationship challenges and build a stronger baseline.

TAKEAWAYS: 

  • Communication is key: Say something once and have the expectation that your message will stick. If this doesn’t happen, are there passive/aggressive dynamics in play? I mention my ancient teenage dating example of being asked to open the passenger door before entering the car, forgetting now and then, having my date refusing to enter the car accordingly, then me getting butt hurt about it and not wanting to open the door
  • Beware using Mia Moore’s pet peeve word, “whatever”, as it this is often used dismissively 
or in a way that invalidates someone’s communication.
  • Beware using “but” in the middle of a sentence; it usually negates what you said prior and makes the person closed off to further feedback. Think about this, since I never really did when I tossed the word around in conversation my whole life. Oh, you don’t want to think about it? Whatever
  • Mia mentions her devoted efforts when communicating in any setting to sit quietly, maintain eye contact, and not interrupt! Wait your turn to speak, you’ll be more likely to get it if you don’t interrupt.
  • If an interruption occurs, have the sensitivity to notice and encourage your partner to pick up the convo where it left off. And don’t get butt hurt if Siri or a human happens to cut you off.
  • Don’t traffic in regrets or negativity. Everything that you have been through to this point was meant to be, a necessary step in your personal growth and fulfillment of your life’s purpose. Learn to appreciate past experiences not as failures, but as learning experiences to help you continue to grow and evolve and be the best you can be.

And with that, welcome to the world of Mia Moore—there is no turning back now.

Want to weigh in on healthy relationship dynamics or show suggestions? Email: getoveryourselfpodcast@gmail.com

QUOTES: 

“Don’t traffic in regrets or negativity. Everything that you have been through to this point was meant to be – learning experiences to help you grow.” – Mia Moore    

“Learn the distinction between venting and ‘kicking the dog,’ or go to therapy if you need help here!” -Mia Moore

Beware of saying ‘whatever’—it can be dismissive and invalidating.” – Mia Moore

“In any communication setting, sit quietly, maintain eye contact, and don’t interrupt!” – Mia Moore

LISTEN:

SHOW TRANSCRIPTION:

Brad Kearns:     Welcome to the Get Over Yourself Podcast. This is Brad Kearns.

Mia Moore:      “The biggest mistake couples make is putting their kids first over each other. I think the couple needs to put each other first, and then the kids will benefit by that.

‘You got to draw your boundaries,’ I hate that phrase. If you’re in a relationship with somebody, that person should know you well enough that they know your boundaries without you having to draw the boundary.”

Brad Kearns:     It’s time for the Mia Moore show. Hi listeners. Trying to adhere to my motto; getting over ourselves, being authentic and honest and open with the communication and the show topics. Therefore, I present this fun little experiment with my girlfriend; Mia Moore coming on, donning the headphones, the mic. We’re chilling, relaxing on a Saturday evening, and we push the record button.

We’ve had an idea to record an assortment of shows on wonderful topics, because we seem to have this relationship that works so beautifully on many levels. And we’d love to share some of the ideas and insights that we communicate about together and talk about, and interesting articles and books and topics.

So, I have all these notes about, hey, I want to talk about Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements with Mia Moore because she uses those with great effectiveness in the workplace as a manager of a big team. There’s great articles from Chris Gauge in the medium. One of my favorite pithy writers with all kinds of memorable insights about relationships. We could talk through those with an actual partner sitting here going back and forth.

But, I wanted to introduce her to the audience, so that’s what this show is all about. We didn’t have notes, we didn’t have a script. We just went for it. The conversation kind of went in assorted different and interesting directions and throwing out fodder that will serve as great content to zero in on in future shows. But this one is truly unplugged, kind of wild. I hope you enjoy it. I think you’ll enjoy. Mia Moore’s very thoughtful and kind and sensitive person, an absolutely ideal partner. So, here we go with the first of many shows with Mia. Enjoy.

Mia Moore:      Testing, one, two, three.

Brad Kearns:     It’s Mia Moore.

Mia Moore:      Hi?

Brad Kearns:     How do you like how your voice sounds?

Mia Moore:      I’m not used to it.

Brad Kearns:     Neither am I. It’s the first time I’ve heard my voice in real time, was getting this recording equipment. I’ve heard my voice recorded, listening to a podcast of myself, but this is real time stuff.

Mia Moore:      Wow!

Brad Kearns:     So, if you hold your mic too far away, you’ll know to correct it because it’s going in your earphones.

Mia Moore:      So, you’re in the big leagues now?

Brad Kearns:     It’s modern recording studio. Modern media, here we are. And I’m so glad to sit with you and do a podcast. And one popular subject I thought we would talk about is relationships. What do you think?

Mia Moore:      Let’s give it a go.

Brad Kearns:     You know what? The general baseline understanding of relationships here today, modern life, I think is we perceive it to be hard work, a struggle. Oh yeah, and we make quips and quotes and the guys gather and complain about high maintenance women that are nit-picking and nagging. And their girls gather and they say that their husbands are distant and lack emotional depth and all these things. And we carry through culture with these kind of basic notions.

So, all we see around us or oftentimes we see struggle and difficulty, and we kind of make that our baseline rather than thinking of something better. Where could it be possible that relationships could be easy and fun.

Mia Moore:      That’s interesting. As you just mentioned, like three things in that. Was that two sentences or three? So, I don’t know where to start.

So, one of the things you said is … well, I’ll start with the easy part. You talked about people saying relationships are difficult and/or women complaining about their husbands. So, that’s two different topics. Which one do we want to tackle today?

Brad Kearns:     That’s my specialty, is spewing out all kinds of tee up areas for you.

Mia Moore:      Well, let’s talk about people complaining about their better halves, right? And what I say to, let’s say women complaining about their husbands, is that they need to be single for a period of time before they complain. Unless someone’s been divorced and single and putting themselves out there, trying to find the “right person” because they’ve been complaining about this other person all their lives. Until then, do they realize that maybe the right person was right there, and they just didn’t know it. Or, maybe that wasn’t the right person and they should have left a long time ago, instead of complaining, right?

Brad Kearns:     Okay, those are two pretty heavy insights. And I remember you told me that where you go and spend an hour at the Friday night singles gathering. When you walk in and gather yourself and take a deep breath and go put yourself out there, and it might give you a healthy perspective.

Mia Moore:      Right. As far as not sweating the small stuff.

Brad Kearns:     Well, that’s your motto and I appreciate that so much. I think for any person in any situation, of course in a relationship, it’s a great motto. But even in the workplace or as a parent, I remember reflections where I got overly caught up in having to have a perfect experience for my kid or an ideal relationship. And then things go south and you have a rebellious issue, and you think the world’s coming to an end, and it’s a way to recalibrate. Because really, almost everything is small stuff when we look to the people in Redding, California who are losing their homes in the fires or the people in the halls of the hospital when you’re walking in and seeing the pain and suffering that’s going on in everyday life. And then we’re out here complaining about the air conditioning guy at Firestone that waited two hours to tell me he couldn’t fix my car. Stuff like that, small stuff.

Mia Moore:      Right.

Brad Kearns:     How about relationship small stuff? What are the things that you no longer sweat because you’ve grown into this motto, and tell me how you grew into that motto too?

Mia Moore:      How I grew into that motto, how I became the person I am today in the relationship that I have with you today, is basically years and years of, well, how do I say that? It’s living the experiences that I’ve lived in the past.

So, every relationship I’ve been in, starting with a boyfriend, my husband, other boyfriends have made me the person I am today. And with each relationship, I noticed that I sweat. You tend to – I don’t want to say not forgive, but you tend to accept more than what you were willing to accept before. Because you realize A) Nobody’s perfect. And yeah, it’s that whole thing about not sweating the small stuff.

I mean, don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to go into details about prior relationships, but they weren’t pretty. Some of them weren’t pretty. Like I’m sure some of our listeners’ relationships weren’t, with arguing and screaming and stuff. And I made a conscious effort not to be in that kind of relationship again. And sometimes, I think it’s the person we’re with who brings out the worst in ourselves and vice versa, right?

I think I’m talking, I’m going on a tangent now.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, well, we have two issues at hand. One of them’s not sweating the small stuff and learning how to get there. But then, you bring up a really important point which is how to draw boundaries, which I think are two different things; is how to draw boundaries and have, let’s say higher standards for relationship that are non-negotiable. So, you talk about a yelling and screaming encounter. I think a lot of that might have to do with age where we’re in whatever decade we’re in. Where we’re kind of still trying to understand who we are, or trying to navigate the first long-term relationship where kids are in the picture.

Most people have … maybe they might have multiple relationships, but usually they only have one or two bouts of having a family with a partner and raising them, right? So, in all that circumstance, there’s a lot of chaos and I think sometimes it gets emotional when you get into power struggles and high stress situations that we navigate and come out of with a better perspective perhaps.

Mia Moore:      And probably, I’d say it’s because the biggest mistake couples make is putting their kids first over each other. I’d say that’s the biggest mistake. I think the couple needs to put each other first, and then the kids will benefit by that. And that’s what a lot of young married couples do. They put their kids first and they’re complaining about the husband because of that. Or they’re complaining about the wife because the wife doesn’t want to go away on vacation because of the kids, or doesn’t want to leave the kids with the in-laws, because for whatever reason, they don’t believe that they can take care of their kids well. Although they forget that those same in-laws raised them when they were kids, and they survived, right?

But I really think that married couples need to spend time. They need to be a couple basically, and put each other first, and still hold hands and still be happy and kiss each other when they walk in the door, because the kids love to see that. They need to see that because then that will make them better partners in their relationships. They don’t need to see the screaming and the arguing, the contempt, the eye-rolling.

Brad Kearns:     Well, they are the center of the universe anyway, because they’re little kids and then they’re treated that way by the modern helicopter parent. Which is such a prevailing trend of couples putting the kids first and then putting the relationship second. And so, you grow up as a kid and see that like you’re-

Mia Moore:      You’re special.

Brad Kearns:     … this is subconsciously, but you’re more important than the wellbeing of the romantic partnership of your parents. And that probably messes up a kid’s head pretty well. And then the kid gets into a relationship and can’t understand how to navigate a real partnership because they’ve always been put first by parents.

Mia Moore:      Right, the center of the universe.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah. So, there seem like a lot of obvious ways for the couple to put themselves first before the kids, and we just kind of neglected or forget about it.

Mia Moore:      We do.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah. So, the other hanging issue is this not sweating the small stuff. And could it be like fatigue and frustration from fighting these battles, realizing that no one wins? And is there a better choice you can make rather than maintaining this kind of conflict mindset?

Mia Moore:      Yeah, of course there is. I mean, a better choice as far as … But the thing is it has to be a conscious choice. You have to make a conscious choice not to sweat the small stuff. It’s not easy. Most people by instinct want to get their way or you know, they do get upset over just the minutiae of life.

Brad Kearns:     Well, the other part of that is what do you deem to be small stuff? And it gets a little tricky because if a partner comes through the door and gives you a bunch of shit because they had a bad day, and then we read articles from Chris Gauge on the medium; one of the best relationship commentary – short and to the point and memorable. And she says, “Emotional control and emotional self-stability is the number one priority for a winning healthy relationship. And everything else is secondary if you don’t have that.”

So, do you draw a boundary or do you say, “This is just small stuff that this person is venting and saying things that they don’t really mean, and I’m going to forgive them when they calm down?” That’s a tricky issue to navigate.

Mia Moore:      Well, it depends how that person’s venting. If somebody is just venting because of a bad day at the office, they’re not going to be directing it at their partner. They’re going to come in and say, “Hey, I had a bad day and can I vent?” That’s how I would do it. I just need to event. And something that I think men in particular and maybe women. I’ve had girlfriends who have talked about this before too.

The other partner who’s listening to their partner vent has to remember they’re not to give advice. When someone’s venting, they don’t want to hear you tell them what they need to do. They probably already figured it out. They just want to have someone hear them vent, and someone say, “Oh wow, what a day? Can I rub your feet or can I make you a cocktail or just come sit here, let’s watch TV.”

But they want to just hear, they want to say it. And I know it helps me sometimes when I’m venting. Sometimes, I’m just in my car driving home and I vent out loud and that’s enough to just get it out of your system. But we don’t need anyone to tell us advice. And I mean that works with both sides; the husband or the wife, it doesn’t matter.

Or when you’re venting to your girlfriends, any type of relationship, it doesn’t have to be your spouse. It could be your sister, it could be your parent. Regardless, when someone’s venting, they just want to vent. People need to stop trying to fix other people’s lives in that situation. Well, actually in any situation.

Brad Kearns:     Well, yes, especially when someone’s venting, but generally speaking, this is from Deepak Chopra. “People want to be validated and respected.” And so, someone’s coming in venting, they’re sounding a little goofy and you make a judgment in your head like, “Oh, there you go stressing about that same old thing at work, why don’t you just get over it?” Or something like that.

But instead, you could say, “Wow, you really seem upset. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re upset and that that happened again.” Not making a call like, “Yeah, you’re 75% at fault and your boss is probably only 25%.” You’re right. None of that stuff works, and it should be swept away and you just know how to deal with this stuff.

Maybe that’s the small stuff that your partner comes in and vents now and then and doesn’t ask you, “How was your day?” Because they’re not in that state yet, and you’re going to count that as small stuff.

Mia Moore:      Right, somebody may get upset. But no big deal. I mean there’ll be the day when you’re there venting.

Brad Kearns:     And now, let’s say they come in and they start unloading on you and criticizing and using destructive communication.

Mia Moore:      So, they’re not venting.

Brad Kearns:     So, now their venting is turned.

Mia Moore:      Now, they’re kicking the dog.

Brad Kearns:     … and it’s a firehose, they’re kicking the dog.

Mia Moore:      Right, they come home and kick the dog.

Brad Kearns:     Is that small stuff to you or not?

Mia Moore:      That’s not small stuff. Actually, that’s something where you probably need to go to therapy for.

Brad Kearns:     And draw a boundary and say, “Hey, you don’t seem well right now. I’m going to bail. I’m going to go take a walk or something.”

Mia Moore:      But that’s a fine line. I’m pro-therapy. I feel like sometimes it’s a safe haven for a couple to be able to express. And sometimes you go individually, I believe in going individually to therapy, talk about the issues and the therapist is going to give you suggestions on how to better respond in situations. And this is one of them. Because what you just said kind of sounds a little condescending, the way you said it.

Brad Kearns:     I’m going to be very careful.

Mia Moore:      Right.

Brad Kearns:     I’m trying to cut ties from a dysfunctional interaction, but we have to be very careful and say, “Wow, you really seem upset and this doesn’t seem like a good time to talk. So, I’m going to go take a walk,” or something that’s …

Mia Moore:      Yeah, I think it works best when you do, as a couple when you’re not in that mood or mode. When you’re in a regular, loving, happy, self … it’s happy day where you about how you’re going to respond in those kinds of situations. And you can agree to say … I don’t know how you’d go about that. Like I said, therapy would help. But, if the partner knows that you’re not … that’s why you’re talking about boundaries. I’m not going to accept this and I’m just going to walk away. And then when that happens, you say, “Oops, I’m leaving now and I’ll come back in 20 minutes or what have you.”

Brad Kearns:     To see how you’re doing.

Mia Moore:      Yeah, I mean, I don’t know, but that’s not the kind of relationship I have right now, so, I’m not really thinking about it. Behaving in those ways and having to figure out how to respond because I’m not in that relationship anymore.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, I think we’re onto something here where it would be nice to bypass a lot of this reactive, living and deem many things to be small stuff, but at the same time, have that capability to draw your boundaries and know what’s important to you. And have a selection process to emphasize those things that are really important to you. And that’s why I mentioned that article like emotional control and emotional self-stability, being an absolutely mandatory element of a relationship where you know that you’re not going to be the dog that’s getting kicked because someone else has poor emotional control.

That sounds like a pretty huge one, but then let me ask you something like, here’s a partner who has an issue being late frequently. And let’s say they’re paired up with someone who’s punctual. Is this small stuff or is this something to navigate? What do you do?

Mia Moore:      Someone who’s late frequently, to me, is small stuff, to me. But to the person who’s always punctual, that may not be small stuff. So, the person who’s always punctual, I don’t see them probably in a relationship with someone who’s always late. I can’t see how that would even work.

Brad Kearns:     Especially, if it’s so important to that punctual, tightly wound – Gretchen Rubin, the four personalities. There’s the upholder. The upholder got the note cards and the three by five card what says what they’re going to do today. A very tightly wound, and then you have the rebel or some other type of personality who is free-flowing and people like your father who is the smiliest, chattiest guy. And he goes to the grocery store and he might come back later because he ended up talking to somebody about the Mexican soccer team and their incredible run to qualify for the World Cup and whatever.

But if you have that foundational challenge where you just see the world in a different way, and being on time is of paramount importance to you and you’re very rigid and inflexible, and the other person try as they might, just doesn’t seem to get into the groove even though it’s important to the other person. Then we’re going to have some conflict and some long-term issues there.

Mia Moore:      Right. Yeah, that couple would not succeed. When you mention my father, it’s funny, because my mom on the other side of the coin, would be at home and I’ll be there and you know, “Where’s dad?” “He went to the grocery store,” and then she’ll say something like, “Oh, he’s probably talking to so and so.” And it’s like nothing, right? Like she expects it, it’s no big deal anymore. Whether it was a big deal at one point, I don’t know, but I mean, they’re together today still, because she learned to not make it a big deal.

Brad Kearns:     That’s interesting because I think when you have a really great foundation and you know that you’re loved and respected and validated, and then something happens that could be huge, massive stuff if you’re on shaky ground, or it could be small stuff; such as, “Hey, we went to a big party. It was a wine tasting event. And you were talking to that, girl in the corner over there for a while, was she nice? Did you enjoy your conversation? Seemed like you were flirting with her a little bit?”

That could be a massive, giant weekend ruining issue for one couple, and then the other couple, you could poke the person in the ribs and giggle about it and have some interaction that shows that the foundation is so healthy that you’re going to get through … Maybe even there was some emotions involved and you’re wondering or feeling a tinge of emotional response, but you make it small stuff because you know …

Mia Moore:      That’s an interesting example because-

Brad Kearns:     Because today, I-

Mia Moore:      No, because the partner who’s secure about him or her relationship, would have gone to the boyfriend, the husband and said, with talking to that woman and say, “Hey, I’m Mia-”

Brad Kearns      I’d like you to introduce –

Mia Moore:      It’s like, “I haven’t met you yet.” And just get part of the conversation. So, then there’s nothing to … but the person-

Brad Kearns:     It’s like I come approach you and-

Mia Moore       Right, but the person who’s insecure, stays behind and kind of stares and watches and-

Brad Kearns:     You’re going to make trouble in your head.

Mia Moore:      Right, exactly.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah. It’s like I come over there and bust into a conversation, “Hey, what are you guys talking about?” And you’re talking about Brad’s Speedgolf thing. “You got to meet this guy here.” And wow, I mean, I think we get stuck in that-

Mia Moore:      Were you jealous this afternoon?

Brad Kearns:     No, I’m saying like-

Mia Moore:      Is that what’s that about? Is that why you brought that up?

Brad Kearns:     It’s a positive example of when we’re starting from that healthy point. And going back to this example of one person’s late and one person’s punctual. I want to ask you about the relative importance of having this natural match of disposition, temperament, values, the way you look at the world, the way you approach your day-to-day life versus having this, I don’t know, “Sparks and opposites attract and they complement me, and I’m always late in my partner’s on time. So, she’s helping make me a better person.” How would you comment on either of those scenarios?

Mia Moore:      No, that’s why I believe in not getting married till you’re 30.

Brad Kearns:     You hear that young people? Let’s make it to the big 30.

Mia Moore:      People change from their teens to their young adulthood, through experiences and also through relationships. It makes you the person you are as an adult. And I think when you get married young, like I did, I can’t remember how old you were when we got married.

Brad Kearns:     I don’t know if that’s young or not, but I remember I was, like the second wedding I’ve attended in my life was my own. Just kind of weird, I was 25, right? 24.

Mia Moore:      The year I got married, I was 24 as well. And at the time I thought-

Brad Kearns:     Feast bump on that.

Mia Moore:      At the time, I thought I was old, right? I had graduated from college, I was already working, but in that year, everybody was getting married. Everyone around me was getting married.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, the damn breaks.

Mia Moore:      And most of us, I would say are divorced by now. You’ve got my sister who married at 29, who’s still happily married. I think there’s something to be said. Her husband was older, he was already in his early 30s. He’d been in his share of relationships as had she, and they totally met and were ready for a relationship, right? But I grew apart from my husband and many couples did. And some mature, some don’t or whatever it is.

Brad Kearns:     Okay. Well, there’s a plug for older age marriage. What about the concept of you’ve been through a couple marriage and divorce cycles or long-term relationships and now are you wiser, more appreciative or are you damaged goods?

Mia Moore:      No, I think you’re wiser, more appreciative.

Brad Kearns:     Across the board or do we have people that maybe that’s a red flag? I know some therapists make that contention of it, like you shouldn’t date a guy who’s been married more than three times or something.

Mia Moore:      Okay, that’s different. You asked me about relationships, you didn’t say just being married. I agree. You can’t be married … I think if you’re married more than three times, yeah, you’re right, that’s a red flag. A therapist would say that for sure. Because why? It’s usually the men who jump into marriage like quickly.

Brad Kearns:     Oh, is that so?

Mia Moore:      Based on my experience, either they can’t be alone or yeah, they need to have … and not because they need someone to cook for them and do their laundry. Most men nowadays can do all that, can fend for themselves very well. But there’s something about having a woman in their life.

I think women can be single longer than men can for whatever reason. I don’t know why. And the single men that I do know, they’re not single because they want to be, they’re single because they can’t find their woman, their person.

Brad Kearns:     How about women that you know, are there some that want to be and some that are … is there a different category? Some that are looking and participating in online interactions and meetings and then others that are just tired and happy to have a new phase of life where they’re not worried about a stressful relationship?

Mia Moore:      All of the above. It’s interesting. A lot of my married friends will say that if they weren’t married either, like if their spouse passed away or … because they never talk about divorce, because they’ve been married a long time. They’re in it for the long haul. But if their husband passed away, that they will not remarry. That they wouldn’t even date again. I mean, they don’t even imagine it. They have no desire for that.

Brad Kearns:     Another gross, hairy body coming in their house, no way.

Mia Moore:      It’s like no way. But then I have friends who are single and who’ve been single a long time and don’t even want to be in a relationship. They like being single. They don’t want to – what’s the word? Not bend their ways, but they don’t want to compromise … Just like some single men I know, they’re used to doing it their way, having dinner at the same time or whatever it is, and they don’t want to be dealing with some other … they may have girlfriends but they won’t even live with them, because they like doing it their way at their times.

Brad Kearns:       Right. So, we have all these different personality types described. And that goes back to the starting question of like, this is where we’re probably looking for a natural match. Where you have two people that are let’s say both eager and open to enter into a relationship and get into an adventurous journey together. Or you might have these matches where one person is super set in their ways, they’ve been single for a long time. Either person’s really eager for a relationship. And you start to get some clashing and conflict right out of the gate.

Mia Moore:      Yeah, right.

Brad Kearns:     So, the natural match, to me, I feel like is a huge thing because it avoids a lot of potential troubles that can trip up even a well-meaning couple. And so, if you have this common ground where you know you’re probably not going to argue about this late and on-time thing, because you both kind of tend in one direction or another, then it sets you up for pursuing a hierarchy of better needs, where you’re really going forward and trying to have open, authentic communication. No one’s easily offended or easily triggered, and so you’ve progressed further down that road of being able to freely speak your mind.

Mia Moore:      That’s right.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, it’s tough. And I think you do a great job of welcoming the real me and not requiring me to filter and measure my behavior and my comments and therefore, I become the best part of me. The best of me.

Mia Moore:      Right, yeah, likewise.

Brad Kearns:     Right.

Mia Moore:      Well, you accept me even when I’m not the best of me, which is even more important.

Brad Kearns:     I know that sometimes when people are not right, something’s going on, it’s really helpful for a partner to gently but very sensitively say, “Hey, what’s going on? You got something to say?” And there’s a real art to that I think, because you can also behave that way and then it comes back to bite you and you have maybe a distant memory of speaking your truth to your partner, and then you get punched in the face for it for the next seven months straight or something. But to have that open and receptive back and forth communication, no matter what it is, that’s something to really build on and thrive on.

Mia Moore:      You’re right, it is.

Brad Kearns:     So, what about the smile and your cheerful, sunny disposition every day? How did you get that way? Was that work? Are you born this way?

Mia Moore:      Because I was born this way.

Brad Kearns:     You think so?

Mia Moore:      I know so.

Brad Kearns:     You know so?

Mia Moore:      Mm-hmm (Affirmative).

Brad Kearns:     And when you had those let’s say … I know you know how to enjoy a relationship, we give you that. What about the struggles?

Mia Moore:      Going back to what you said, that I may have been born this way. I was always a positive thinking person, sees the glass half-full versus half-empty. But when I was in a bad relationship, I wasn’t always smiling inside. I think it helps being with a good partner

Brad Kearns:     And when you’re struggling in a relationship and you have this cheerful, natural sunny disposition as your baseline and it’s getting compromised, not blaming anybody. But it’s just compromised by stressful daily life and interactions that aren’t making you feel nurtured and supported and uplifted, how do you cope with that?

Mia Moore:      Because I have a nurturing partner at home, I think that makes the difference as far as the struggles at the office or that type of thing or issues with family members and stuff. Yeah, it’s having a supportive partner at home. It keeps me smiling.

Brad Kearns:     So, we talked about how to be supportive when someone’s coming in and venting and catching yourself, and not trying to give advice. And how does that extend out if the listener has a desire to be a better partner and maybe unwind some of these negative communication dynamics that are so common? What are some other ways you can be a supportive partner?

Mia Moore:      Undressing them and taking them to the bedroom? Is that what you’re thinking?

Brad Kearns:     Hey, that brings up another point, because we have this compatibility in the Amaris category that seems to be-

Mia Moore:      Are we telling our listeners that?

Brad Kearns:     This is Get Over Yourself Podcast, there’s no filter. There’s no editor inside that little box that’s recording everything. But, that seems to be a common relationship issue, is maybe a disconnect in wants and needs in that area.

Mia Moore:      And that is more prevalent with folks of our age. Have you noticed?

Brad Kearns:     Is that so?

Mia Moore:      Yeah, it is.

Brad Kearns:     Listeners, we’re in the 50 plus category and trying to maintain that youthful spirit, so that we can pretend we’re half our age, right?

Mia Moore:      Right, right. Or not pretend we’re half our age, so we can remain half our age. How’s that? Internally.

Brad Kearns:     Hey man, it’s just hormones and genetic signals as we know.

Mia Moore:      Well, a segue into your new book, right?

Brad Kearns:     Keto for Longevity, right. Take care of yourself, be healthy, engage in healthy relationships. Maybe, in the higher age groups, I’m going to guess or speculate that maybe we get better at drawing our boundaries, so that we don’t remain stuck in these negative patterns or make the patterns worse.

Mia Moore:      Okay, so when you say that, and you’ve said that several times in this conversation here; about drawing your boundaries. That sounds like, you know, therapists speak to me. I hate that. I hate that phrase. “You got to draw your boundaries.” Oh God, it drives me like crazy because if you’re in a relationship with somebody, you shouldn’t have … that person should know you well enough that they know your boundaries without you having to draw the boundaries. Do we want to go there now? I don’t like that. I mean that’s one of my big pet peeves when people say that. “You know, you got to try your boundaries.” I hate it. You should know what I’m going to accept and what I’m not.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, that’s right.

Mia Moore:      We’re not like dating anymore.

Brad Kearns:     It’s like how many times am I going to call upon my – sermon my willpower to draw my boundary again? And say, “Oh, you’re yelling at me again, I have to leave.” How many times? Is it seven? 27?

Mia Moore:      You shouldn’t have to, because I will know and I would never do that again because I care for you, right? I love you. I’m not going to do that. That’s if you’re in a healthy, good relationship.

Brad Kearns:     Right.

Mia Moore:      And if you’re in a type of relationship where you’re always having to draw your boundaries and remind your partner what your boundaries are, that’s not a good relationship.

Brad Kearns:     Right, and it’s so common. I know one example, I won’t name any names. But someone I know, jumping in the car, on a date and forgot to open the passenger door first, which was verbalized by the female companion that this was very important to her. That she was shown that chivalry every time they entered the car. And it was a point of contention. And then just-

Mia Moore:      Why was it a point of contention if they didn’t-

Brad Kearns:     I almost said “I”.

Mia Moore:      There we go.

Brad Kearns:     And this is way long time ago when I was little kid-

Mia Moore:      You obviously learned because you open my car door.

Brad Kearns:     This is like early, early teenager time in your first relationship, right? And so, I forgot. I forgot again, I forgot again, it became an issue, and then was getting pretty good at it and in a good rhythm and happy to open the door and how fun it is. And I feel like I’m being a good guy and learning this wonderful skill of opening the passenger door.

But then, forgetting now and then, and then at a certain point, it’s like this person won’t get in the car.

Mia Moore:      Had enough, right.

Brad Kearns:     She won’t get in the car. And I’m in the car going-

Mia Moore:      That was her boundary.

Brad Kearns:     I’m in the car going, “WTF, guest what? My boundary was just reached and I am not getting out and going around and opening the door, because I’m so sick of this complaint and being an issue.” And it’s like, “Hey, what if I just bought you a nice dinner, showed you a good time, had a wonderful conversation, forgot to open the door?” And so, I just come up with the example of like, there’s two people drawing their boundary and it ain’t looking good.

That’s furthering what you said, and your take on this is great. Like, “Draw your boundary.” Someone’s saying a little voice into the female head and then someone’s saying a voice in the dude’s head, like, “Dude, draw your fricking boundaries man. You mean, you’re getting out of the car again for that bullshit.” That’s some messy stuff right there.

Mia Moore:      But obviously, she wasn’t important enough for you because if she were, you would not forget again.

Brad Kearns:     And my defense coming back was like, “But I sincerely forgot. I didn’t mean anything by it.” Okay, all right. You’re taking the girl side, I like that.

Mia Moore:      No, whether it’s the girl, the guy, in this situation, I think communication is key. Whatever the situation is, she communicated to you-

Brad Kearns:     Many times. How many times should she have to do it?

Mia Moore:      Once. She only had to have done it once, and that’s the difference. Sorry, I’m going to go there and listeners can say whatever.

Brad Kearns:     Right in. Getoveryourselfpodcast@gmail.com; it’s going to blow up after this show.

Mia Moore:      Is that men, and I’m going to generalize here, tend to really not listen. They hear you talking and it’s like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-

Brad Kearns:     [Spanish 00:39:24]

Mia Moore:      You hear them (men do) but you’re not really listening. I mean that happens all through life. In the workplace, I can say that happens too. People are hearing you talk but they’re not listening to what you’re saying. And so, in this case, you weren’t listening to her.

Brad Kearns:     And also, I need to look deep down and ask myself, is there some resentment or some passive aggressive behavior going on here that I forgot again? And the same comes with that issue of being on time is really super important to someone, and then I’m repeatedly making the same mistake of being late. If I’m using the example of one person says, “Hey, it’s really important to me.” The other person can’t seem to get there.

Mia Moore:      That’s not a good partnership. If something is that important to someone and the other person is just not in their nature, then that probably wasn’t a good partnership.

Brad Kearns:     Even if it’s like a seemingly minor issue like, “I like the door open for me.”

Mia Moore:      Well, to who is it minor?

Brad Kearns:     Right, right.

Mia Moore:      Yeah, is it minor to you? Is it minor to … that not be minor to her. Being late to you seems minor, but to the other person, your ex-wife (I don’t know whoever it was), it’s not minor.

Brad Kearns:     Right, the minor issue becomes major because the first person feels disrespected and doesn’t feel like … “Your efforts to be on time suck, even though I told you how important it is or your efforts to open the door, even though you’re batting eight out of 10, which is great in baseball, but you still forget two times out of 10. And I am highly offended by you missing the door two times out of 10.”

Mia Moore:      And that’s why I was talking about sweating the small stuff, right? So, the small stuff has to be defined by every individual, right?

Brad Kearns:     Right.

Mia Moore:      For that person, that must have been not small stuff, for whatever reason, I don’t know. She was 20 years old. If you ask her today, if you were going to look her up at 50, she probably wouldn’t care anymore. Do you know what I mean? We don’t know that.

Brad Kearns:     Right, and who knows what was behind that, and the kind of the scars or the issues that you bring into this current relationship. Speaking of pet peeves, like, “I don’t care what happened the last time or whatever the negatives that came out of that. If you give me a chance and don’t project stuff on me that came from another relationship,” I think that’s a fair thing to ask.

Then, your comment a ways back about getting your partner undressed and taking them into the bedroom, all of a sudden-

Mia Moore:      That solves many problems.

Brad Kearns:     You don’t want to overblow this, but it’s like building that foundation where you’re cared for and respected and desired. Therefore, if you do have a challenging interaction in daily life, you’re addressing this from a different platform than people who can’t even hold hands when they’re walking down the sidewalk because they’re holding on to resentments or tension or stress or anxiety. Or, venting so much from their rough day at work that they don’t have that emotional control and self-stability to make the person feel that they’re even happy to see them a little bit.

Speaking of pet peeves, again, you know what my other, one of my favorite ones of yours, that you brought out on the table and said, “whatever” is your pet peeve. And I’m like, “Wait a second, we all use that term all the time. Especially, me and my buds and what time we’re going to meet for …” I’m like, “Eight or whatever. I’ll meet you down there, whatever.”

Mia Moore:      Well, that’s different. That’s different.

Brad Kearns:     Well, it’s putting that word out there and getting me to reflect on it differently than I ever have in my whole life. So, what’s the story with “whatever” for you?

Mia Moore:      It’s how it’s used when somebody says … oh God, what’s an example? Like, “Whatever!” Like they’re not taking whatever you’re saying (hello, no pun intended). What you are saying seriously. That you just say “whatever”. It started actually with I think growing up. My dad hated us to use the word “whatever”. He thought it was being disrespectful. Like we’re not being serious with him. If he were to make a comment about something and you’d say “whatever”, … no, I wish I had a good example.

But yeah, it started growing up with our dad. He’s a Spanish speaker from Mexico, but there were certain words in English he would not have. And that’s one of them.

Brad Kearns:     Well, I think it’s when you’re trying to secure consensus or a commitment and a lot of people use that reflexively to give themselves some leeway.

Mia Moore:      Like, let’s say, “You better be home by 10 o’clock or something,” “Whatever!” I don’t if we’ve said it then. I’ll blame my sister on that one. And so, now in relationships when someone says … I can’t remember, when you said that to me when I told you I will not-

Brad Kearns:     The first time.

Mia Moore:      And have you said it again?

Brad Kearns:     I’ve caught myself a few times, but I think one of the examples I can think of is when we’re trying to arrange a plan for a day and it’s, “Well, do you want meet at the store or should we meet at the movie theater? Or should I pick you up?” “Well, whatever. I mean I can do either way-”

Mia Moore:      No, that’s different. In that situation, you would say, “Well, whichever. Whichever works best.” That’s different. Whatever … and I don’t like-

Brad Kearns:     You’re getting wishy washy instead of firm commitment. And then the second use of it is when you’re making a dismissive final parting shot-

Mia Moore:      That’s what I don’t like.

Brad Kearns:     … after someone speaks their mind and just trying to-

Mia Moore:      Right, whatever! That’s what I don’t like. Like, “Whatever!” Or it could be, I think there was a situation where like if it had to do like here or there, and you did say you were getting frustrated, and I could tell and that’s why I said, “Whatever!” And the way you said it, I was like, “Oh no,” is that a boundary? I guess you could say that was … without my saying, “That’s my boundary.” I just said-

Brad Kearns:     It’s a communication preference.

Mia Moore:      … “I do not like that. Don’t ever say it again.” That’s all I have to say.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah. It’s dismissive. It’s the opposite of validating, right?

Mia Moore:      Yes.

Brad Kearns:     It’s because you say a good point would be an opposite comment of, “Whatever!” Like, “Hey, the kitchen was a little messy after your meal. Can you do a better job cleaning up?” And then the person comes back with a defensive comment, like, “Well, most of that stuff was your mess, and I did clean up my little pan there.” We have this back and forth all the time.

Mia Moore:      We? Not us.

Brad Kearns:     “We,” relationships, not us. We don’t care about that stuff, we’ve got priorities. We’re too old for that among other things. But sometimes these back and forths, I noticed that a lot of times, they end with someone saying, “Whatever!”

Mia Moore:      Right, that’s the worse.

Brad Kearns:     And go to that other example of the word “but” in the middle of a sentence.

Mia Moore:      But that was your thing. I never really thought much about that. You’ve brought that light.

Brad Kearns:     In my personal growth training, these guys bring up these different concepts. You go for a 48-hour weekend and get your brain filled with stuff and some of it, it’s really memorable and one of the things-

Mia Moore:      But, and I now use it at work.

Brad Kearns:     Especially at work, right. But the point was made that if you say something and then the middle of the sentence is a comma, and then the word “but”, everything before the word “but”, you don’t really mean or it’s an outright lie or something like that.

Mia Moore:      It’s invalidated.

Brad Kearns:     “Your presentation was great, but people were getting bored by the end and it was too long.”

Mia Moore:      So, that means it really wasn’t great.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, right. So, think about that people. When you’re saying that, especially we’re talking about relationships here on the show.

Mia Moore:      So, what would just say there? “Your presentation was great and would have been better-”

Brad Kearns:     It can be improved, correct. Big difference, because the person’s open. As soon as you hear “but”, you close off. And I remember learning about body language too, where you start folding your arms or striking a closed-off pose and it has great meaning in the neuro linguistic programming world where people are trying to identify what these things really mean, because body language means so much to communication. And when someone hears the word “but”, they wall off because they get defensive.

Mia Moore:      Yeah, and they don’t hear what you have to say after.

Brad Kearns:     Right, right.

Mia Moore:      Interesting. Speaking of body language, how did it go with your interview of that lady who specializes in body language? We never really talked about it.

Brad Kearns:     We have a show coming up with her and developing these … she trains people in public speaking. So, you’re learning your presentation skills in front of the audience, and you want to be dynamic and you want to be authentic. And the acronym is PACE – it’s like Posture, Authenticity, something, something. We have to go listen to that podcast on the Get Over Yourself channel.

But it just so happens that hey, maybe this stuff is really effective in relationship too. Where you’re making eye contact and you’re studying the reaction of the other person and doing things like you do so well. Which is you think there might be more coming from the person. And so, you pause and say what else or whatever the words are to let the person know and give them that signal that even if it’s not the funnest conversation of the day, you’re receptive, and you’re validating what they have to say. And you’re ready for more, if the case may be.

Mia Moore:      You know the key to that? And I’ve thought about it in the workplace, and even with you and my relationships with my friends. Is that you need to be able to sit quietly, look at them in the eye and listen without interrupting. And do you know how hard that is for people to do?

Brad Kearns:     Today in the social media, age and the … what do you call like the Fox News and the combative programming, and the reality programming where we get off on watching people interrupt each other and put each other down?

Mia Moore:      Right. So, just listening, and looking at the person, listening to them speak and just being patient for your turn. Because you’ll have a turn when they’re done speaking.

Brad Kearns:     Hopefully.

Mia Moore:      You should, you will.

Brad Kearns:     Right, right, especially if you don’t interrupt. Sorry, I interrupted you. Go ahead.

Mia Moore:      That’s all.

Brad Kearns:     It’s like the more interrupting goes on, the more it’s going to happen back and forth and the less, the less.

Mia Moore:      Right, and the more interrupting you do, the longer that conversation’s going to take because most people, depending on the situation, will just repeat it again, right? They’ll start back at square one. So, to me, I find it best to just listen till they’re done. A lot of people in this world just want to be heard.

Brad Kearns:     Confucius said, “Resolve to listen more and talk less because no one ever learned anything by talking.”

Mia Moore:      I agree.

Brad Kearns:     You can probably learn something by talking, but it makes sense.

Mia Moore:      Right, but do you know who learns something by talking? The person that’s talking. Sometimes, when they hear themselves speak, they may realize, “Oh, they kind of solve …” That’s happened to me. I don’t know, I’m changing the subject here, but sometimes let’s say when you’re venting or you’re talking to a friend about a situation and maybe, you’re seeking advice, sometimes we can advise ourselves as we’re talking. We kind of think it through. It’s like as we’re listening to what happened or whatever out loud, it’s like, “Oh, wait, maybe I should have done this or done that.” Sometimes, I think Confucius is wrong then.

Brad Kearns:     We work things out verbally, agreed. But the message is well-taken, that giving the person time to finish and be heard will progress the conversation and maybe shorten it. I never thought about it that way, but you’re right, you’re right. It shortens it.

You have a great skill there and I think you may be thinking that I’m long-winded, because I’m a long-winded person sometimes. But you’re smiling, you’re open, you’re receptive and so, if I am long-winded, I might finish shorter than if I was getting interrupted or anything like that. And so, like having that patience and that calmness. And then, when your calm and patient and you’re just looking at me, then I get a better chance to reflect on how I’m coming off and the fact that I’ve been talking for these many minutes straight.

Look at you, she’s doing it right now. You’re messing with me now. Yeah. And I’m working on that in the podcast too. I’m working on getting over myself. I say that, and sometimes I get really excited and engaged with the guests and I probably should just let the-

Mia Moore:      Let the guest speak.

Brad Kearns:     … guest flow the entire way, but sometimes especially when you’re hearing a production, the conversation builds when you can interject and things like that. And I know that you’re paying attention, you pick up on that, and if you do happen to jump in with something exciting and conversation forward moving, you always loop back. Like you heard me way back when, and it might be a couple of minutes later because we might have a car ride going on and there’s an issue on the road, and we’re navigating and we spend three minutes navigating, and then we’re back, and you pick up where we left off.

Mia Moore:      I do that?

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, you do that.

Mia Moore:      That’s good, because sometimes I feel like you think I forgot where we left off.

Brad Kearns:     It’s true, I’m surprised.

Mia Moore:      Sometimes, I feel like you get a little defensive. Like if we’re talking, especially if you’re doing the talking, and then I either … yeah, I have to listen to the navigation. I’ll say, “Hold on,” right? I need to figure out where we’re at or what have you. I take a little butthurt about that. But then, you’re right. Then I get us back on track on the conversation and relax.

Brad Kearns:     Yeah, you do. You mentioned like the workplace briefly, and the listeners will know that you work in a pretty huge bureaucracy, right? A large environment.

Mia Moore:      Governmental agency.

Brad Kearns:     Right, and you’ve been there for a long time. And I’m not there with you working, but when I hear your stories and your recaps, I always detect that you have extreme sensitivity to how you come off and the best thing to say at the best time to the best person. And what you shouldn’t say to this person at this time, and the timing and the strategy and the structure. And that’s enabled you to thrive in your career and continue to get promoted, and being a management leadership position at this time.

But I’m wondering like, that environment is entirely 100% different than I’ve been in myself as a high flying, solo flyer who’s been mostly doing my own business, a lot of times working by myself all day. Or traveling around doing sports or whatever, not in the corporate setting. But does that day-to-day interaction help you with your emotional control and self-stability in everyday life?

Mia Moore:      No, I think just because who I am as a person. Because if you were to go to my workplace setting, there’s other people who’ve had my same experiences, right? As far as the work, right?

Brad Kearns:     And they pop off nonstop.

Mia Moore:      They’re totally different than I am.

Brad Kearns:     Blurred out, stuff they never should say to that person because then it’s going to turn into a whole drama. Oh, good point.

Mia Moore:      Yeah. So, no, it’s just who I am.

Brad Kearns:     Right, so it just happens that those skills are valued and rewarded in most workplaces. Yeah, interesting. What about in the succession of relationships? You’ve had a couple really long-term ones and a couple of the shorter, medium-term, but you’ve progressed through these and you claim to be the best that you are today. Your best relationship self, right now, through that life experience.

Mia Moore:      Definitely. Actually, each subsequent relationship, I’ve been the best person that I’ve been. And then the next one, I’m even better and I’m even better. Because I’ve never had regrets about any of my relationships. I’ve have always learned and grown from each of my relationships. You learn about yourself, but then you also learn strategies from the relationship. So yeah, you’re right. Lucky guy, you got the best of me right now.

Brad Kearns:     So, not having regrets is one of my favorite goals in life. Because I feel like if you want to go there, we can all go there anytime. I can tell you about the stock options that I had that were four months away from making me a multimillionaire and it ended up to be a zero. And the regrets and the pain and suffering that I incurred at that time, and all the other things, the opportunities I missed out on or the regrets that I had with raising my kids and treating them this way from ages eight to 12. But if you go there, I feel like it arrests your growth and development, and that the main goal should be not repeating the same mistakes or the same bad patterns.

Mia Moore:      Exactly. I always feel like things happen for a reason. And let’s say the stock options that you almost missed out on. You could have like not missed out on them and let’s see, you had all this money. There’s a lot of other problems that come with money, maybe in that particular situation. And who’s to say that you would not have been buying all this real estate then lost all your money in real estate when the downturn happened. So, no, there’s a reason for things.

Brad Kearns:     There was a Tim Ferriss show recently with this famous interview guy; Cal Fussman. He asked him this question about what would you do differently or what advice would you give to your … oh, it was what advice would you give to your 30-year-old self? He asked that of every guest on his show. And the guy said, “Nothing, because I wouldn’t change a thing. Because everything I did in my life, led me to the bus seat in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where I met my wife.” And it was such a beautiful answer. Like, “I wouldn’t change a thing because it led me to where I am today and who I am.” I love that.

Mia Moore:      Yeah. That’s a great answer.

Brad Kearns:     We’ve put out a lot of concepts and ideas, flowed them out there. And some of it was a little roundabout, but we’ve, I think, teed up some content to focus on for future shows.

Mia Moore:      That was good.

Brad Kearns:     So, thanks for getting on the mic. I know you’ve had a busy day as usual, but-

Mia Moore:      Thanks for the invite.

Brad Kearns:     Mia Moore. Thank you for being on the podcast. We’ll check in with you later.

Mia Moore:      You’re welcome [Miyagi 01:00:29]

Brad Kearns:     Let’s talk about probiotics from and Entegro Health. Do you want me to sing the messages? Nah. But probiotics are an extremely important concept. Hopefully, you’re all in on the values, the benefits of nourishing a healthy gut microbiome, so you can flourish in life. And that’s the name of Entegro’s product; Flourish – a unique, extremely potent living liquid probiotic. Yes, it’s liquid form. How is it different from other probiotics we usually see in pills? This is the message from Entegro.

Microbes continue to thrive and metabolize in their own mil-u. Do you like when companies use the word mil-u to describe their product? I do. These include short chain fatty acids, bioactive peptides, amino acids, enzymes, and minerals. The liquid base makes it acid stable, so microbes can survive the stomach environment and transit to the lower GI tract for integration to give you a healthy gut microbiome.

There’s 11 different strains in this thing, carefully hand cultivated in the laboratory with precision to deliver 8 billion total CFU. Why take probiotics? Come on, do you have to ask? It’s going to strengthen your immune function, reduce systemic inflammation (the root cause of all disease), improve digestion, promote bowel regularity, relieve gas and bloating, get you going again after illness or antibiotic use.

That’s me, because I first got this shipment the very day I returned home from a Mexican vacation and had a stomach illness once again. What a bummer? So sad because I love going down south, but I needed to repair and return to action quickly. So, I started guzzling this stuff and had a wonderful return to health. I’m a very enthusiastic user, and will be over the long run because I need all the help I can get. I don’t know about you when we’re talking about our routine usage of antibiotics, the stress we put on our system and in the environment every single day.

I especially notice my gut health is compromised when I engage in overly intensive athletic training, have trouble recovering. My gut is the first thing to go. So, this is my go-to product, the flourish probiotic in liquid form. Try It yourself. I love the delicious root beer float flavor. Just kidding, man. This stuff is no funny business. This is the real deal. It’s very potent. It tastes fine. It goes down okay. But no root beer float flavors, sorry. Take it, you’ll love it. Go look at Entegrohealth.com for more information, and to order shipped directly to your door in its unique liquid form; Flourish.

Hey, its brand to talk about my Buffalo fueled lifestyle. Yes, it is incredible food. 100% grass-fed and finished. Check out wildideabuffalo.com. They have a wonderful website, acquainting you with the benefits of eating a sustainably raised animal from start to finish.

It goes beyond organic where they’re in harmony with the environment, and you’re eating the ultimate nutritional quality animal. Something to really consider and think about when we talk about the disastrous contrast with the horrible, miserable life of the feedlot animal, who’s stuffed full of crappy junk food. Including candy with their wrappers on some times. Oh, mercy.

When you taste this, when you take one bite of a Buffalo steak or a Buffalo burger, cook it plain if you want. To do a proper test, just take it with nothing. No seasoning, no spices, no sauces. Take one bite and you tell me if I’m wrong.

Nope, I’m going to be right. “Wow! Brad was right.” Everyone who eats Wild Idea Buffalo’s right. Wildideabuffalo.com. Check them out, try some. Go look in the finer health food stores and chains or order some directly from the website.

Visit wildideabuffalo.com, and hit the order button. They have organized everything for you with beautiful pictures. Click on monthly specials, try their bundles, so you get free shipping. If you’re on a budget, hit the ground bison and burger section. They have all these different flavors and packages. And if you have pets and you care about them, you’ll click on the pet food section and order up for those beautiful animals too. They deserve to eat healthy food instead of garbage in a bag.

Wildideabuffalo.com, check it out today.  Thank you for listening.

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